Decline and Fall(4) Mr Prendergast

CHAPTER IV Mr Prendergast

PAUL was awakened next morning by a loud bang on his door, and Beste Chetwynde looked in. He was wearing a very expensive looking Charvat dressing gown.
'Good morning, sir,' he said. 'I thought I'd come and tell you, as you wouldn't know: there's only one bath room for the masters. If you want to get there before Mr Prendergast, you ought to go now. Captain Grimes doesn't wash much,' he added, and then disappeared.
Paul went to the bath and was rewarded some minutes later by hearing the shuffling of slippers down the passage and the door furiously rattled.Decorative wire mesh
As he was dressing Philbrick appeared.
'Oh, I forgot to call you. Breakfast is in ten minutes.'
After breakfast Paul went up to the Common Room. Mr Prendergast was there polishing his pipes, one by one, with a chamois leather. He looked reproachfully at Paul.
'We must come to some arrangement about the bathroom,' he said. 'Grimes very rarely has a bath. I have one before breakfast.'
'So do I,' said Paul defiantly.
'Then I suppose I shall have to find some other time,' said Mr Prendergast, and he gave a deep sigh as he returned his attention to his pipes. 'After ten years, too,' he added, 'but everything's like that. I might have known you'd want the bath. It was so easy when there was only Grimes and that other young man. He was never down in time for breakfast. Oh dear! oh dear! I can see that things are going to be very difficult.'
'But surely we could both have one?'
'No, no, that's out of the question. It's all part of the same thing. Everything has been like this since I left the ministry.'
Paul made no answer, and Mr Prendergast Decorative wire mesh went on breathing and rubbing.
'I expect you wonder how I came to be here?'
'No, no,' said Paul soothingly. 'I think it's very natural.'
'It's not natural at all; it's most unnatural. If things had happened a little differently I should be a rector with my own little house and bathroom. I might even have been a rural dean, only' and Mr Prendergast dropped his voice to a whisper 'only I had Doubts.
'I don't know why I'm telling you all this, nobody else knows. I somehow feel you'll understand.
'Ten years ago I was a clergyman of the Church of England. I had just been presented to a living in Worthing. It was such an attractive church, not old, but vey beautifully decorated, six candles on the altar, Reservation in the Lady Chapel, and an excellent heating apparatus which burned coke in a little shed by the sacristy door, no graveyard Decorative wire mesh, just a hedge of golden privet between the church and the rectory.
'As soon as I moved in my mother came to keep house for me. She bought some chintz, out of her own money, for the drawing room curtains. She used to be "at Home" once a week to the ladies of the congregation. One of them, the dentist's wife, gave me a set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica for my study. It was all very pleasant until my Doubts began '
'Were they as bad as all that?' asked Paul.
'They were insuperable,' said Mr Prendergast; 'that is why I am here now. But I expect T am boring you?'
'No, do go on. That's to say, unless you find it painful to think about.'
'I think about it all the time. It happened like this, quite suddenly. We had been there about three months, and my mother had made great friends with some people called Bundle rather a curious name. I think he was an insurance agent until he retired. Mrs Bundle used very kindly to ask us in to supper on Sundays after Evensong. They were pleasant informal gatherings Decorative wire mesh, and I used quite to look forward to them. I can see them now as they sat there on this particular evening; there was my mother and Mr and Mrs Bundle, and their son, rather a spotty boy, I remember, who used to go in to Brighton college by train every day, and Mrs Bundle's mother, a Mrs Crump, rather deaf, but a very good Churchwoman, and Mrs Aber that was the name of the dentist's wife who gave me the Encyclopaedia Britannica and old Major Ending, the people's warden. I had preached two sermons that day besides taking the children's Bible-class in the afternoon, and I had rather dropped out of the conversation. They were all talking away quite happily about the preparations that were being made on the pier for the summer season, when suddenly, for no reason at all, my Doubts began.' He paused, and Paul felt constrained to offer some expression of sympathy.
'What a terrible thing!' he said.
'Yes, I've not known an hour's real Happiness since. You see, it wasn't the ordinary sort of Doubt about Cain's wife or the Old Testament miracles or the consecration of Archbishop Parker. I'd been taught how to explain all those while I was at college. No, it was something deeper than all that. I couldn't understand why God had made the world at all. There was my mother and the Bundles and Mrs Crump talking away quite unconcernedly while I sat there wrestling with this sudden assault of doubt. You see how fimdamental that is. Once granted the first step, I can see that everything else follows Tower of Babel, Babylonian captivity, Incarnation, Church, bishops, incense, everything but what I couldn't see, and what I can't see now Decorative wire mesh, is, why did it all begin?
'I asked my bishop; he didn't know. He said that he didn't think the point really arose as far as my practical duties as a parish priest were concerned. I discussed it with my mother. At first she was inclined to regard it as a passing phase. But it didn't pass, so finally she agreed with me that the only honourable thing to do was to resign my living; she never really recovered from the shock, poor old lady. It was a great blow after she had bought the chintz and got so friendly with the Bundles.'
A bell began ringing down a distant passage.
'Well, well, we must go to prayers, and I haven't finished my pipes.' He took his gown from the peg behind the door and slipped it over his shoulders.
'Perhaps one day I shall see Light,' he said, 'and then I shall go back to the ministry. Meanwhile '
Clutterbuck ran past the door, whistling hideously.
'That's a nasty little boy,' said Mr Prendergast, 'if ever there was one.'

Decline and Fall(3) Captain Grimes

CHAPTER III Captain Grimes

PAUL had very little difficulty in finding the dining hall. He was guided there by the smell of cooking and the sound of voices. It was a large, panelled room, far from disagreeable, with fifty or sixty boys of ages ranging from ten to eighteen settled along four long tables. The smaller ones wore Eton suits, the elder ones dinner-jackets.Decorative wire mesh
He was led to a place at the head of one of the tables. The boys on either side of him stood up very politely until he sat down. One of them was the boy who had whistled at Captain Grimes. Paul thought he rather liked him.
'I'm called Beste Chetwynde,' he said.
'I've got to teach you the organ, I believe.'
'Yes, it's great fun: we play in the village church. Do you play terribly well?'
Paul felt this was not a moment for candour, and so, 'tempering discretion with deceit', he said, 'Yes, remarkably well.'
'I say, do you really, or are you rotting?'
'Indeed, I'm not. I used to give lessons to the Master of Scone.'
'Well, you won't be able to teach me much,' said Beste Chetwynde cheerfully. 'I only do it to get off gym. I say, they haven't given you a napkin. These servants are too awful. Philbrick,' he shouted to the butler, 'why haven't you given Mr Pennyfeather a napkin?'
'Forgot,' said Philbrick, 'and it's too late because Miss Fagan's locked the linen up.'
'Nonsense!' said Beste Chetwynde; 'go and get one at once. That man's Decorative wire mesh all right, really,' he added, 'only he wants watching.'
In a few minutes Philbrick returned with the napkin.
'It seems to me that you're a remarkably intelligent boy,' said Paul.
'Captain Grimes doesn't think so. He says I'm half-witted. I'm glad you're not like Captain Grimes. He's so common, don't you think?'
'You mustn't talk about the other masters like that in front of me.'
'Well that's what we all think about him, ariyway. What's more, he wears combinations. I saw it in his, washing book one day when I was fetching him his hat. I think combinations are rather awful, don't you?'
There was a commotion at the end of the hall.
'I expect that's Clutterbuck being sick,' said Beste Chetwynde. 'He's awfully sick when we have mutton.'
The boy on Paul's other side now spoke for the first time.
'Mr Prendergast wears a wig,' he said, and then be came very confused and subsided into a giggle.
'That's Briggs,' said Beste Chetwynde, 'only everyone calls him Brolly, because of the shop, you know.'
'They're silly rotters,' said Briggs.
All this was a great deal easier than Paul had expected; it didn't seem so very hard to get on with boys, after all.
After a time they all stood up, and amid considerable noise Mr Prendergast said grace Decorative wire mesh. Someone called out 'Prendy!' very loudly just by Paul's ear.
' ... per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen,' said Mr Prendergast. 'Betse Chetwynde, was that you who made that noise?'
'Me, sir? No, sir.'
'Pennyfeather, did Beste Chetwynde make that noise?'
'No, I don't think so,' said Paul, and Beste Chetwynde gave him a friendly look, because, as a matter of fact, he had.
Captain Grimes linked arms with him outside the dining hall.
'Filthy meal, isn't it, old boy?' he said.
'Pretty bad,' said Paul.
'Prendy's on duty to night. I'm off to the pub. How about you?'
'All right,' said Paul.
'Prendy's not so bad in his way,' said Grimes, 'but he can't keep order. Of course, you know he wears a wig. Very hard for a man with a wig to keep order. I've got a false leg, but that's different. Boys respect that. Think I lost it in the war. Actually,' said the Captain, 'and strictly between ourselves, mind, I was run over by a tram in Stoke on Trent when I was one over the eight. Still, it doesn't do to let that out to everyone. Funny thing, but I feel I can trust you. I think we're going to be pals.'
'I hope so,' said Paul.
'I've been feeling the need of a pal for some time. The bloke before you wasn't bad a bit stand offish, though. He had a motor bike, you see. The daughters of the house didn't care for him. Have you met Miss Fagan?'
'I've met two.'
'They're both bitches,' said Grimes, and added moodily, 'I'm engaged to be married to Flossie.'
'Good God! Which is she?'
'The elder. The boys call them Flossie and Dingy. We haven't told the old boy decorative wire mesh yet. I'm waiting till I land in the soup again. Then I shall play that as my last card. I generally get into the soup sooner or later. Here's the pub. Not such a bad little place in its way. Clutterbuck's father makes all the beer round here. Not bad stuff, either. Two pints, please, Mrs Roberts!'
In the farther corner sat Philbrick, talking volubly in Welsh to a shady looking old man.
'Damned cheek his coming in here!' said Grimes.
Mrs Roberts brought them their beer. Grimes took a long draught and sighed happily.
'This looks like being the first end of term I've seen for two years,' he said dreamily. 'Funny thing, I can always get on all right for about six weeks, and then I land in the soup. I don't believe I was ever meant by Nature to be a schoolmaster. Temperament,' said Grimes, with a faraway look in his eyes 'that's been my trouble, temperament and sex.'
'Is it quite easy to get another job after after you've been in the soup?' asked Paul.
'Not at first, it isn't, but there're ways. Besides, you see, I'm a public school man. That means everything. There's a blessed equity in the English social system,' said Grimes, 'that ensures the public school man against starvation. One goes through four or five years of perfect hell at an age when life is bound to be hell, anyway, and after that the social system never lets one down.
'Not that I stood four or five years of it, mind; I got the push soon after my sixteenth birthday. But my housemaster was a public school man. He knew the system. "Grimes," he said, "I can't keep you in the House after what has happened. I have the other boys to consider. But I don't want to be too hard on you decorative wire mesh. I want you to start again." So he sat down there and then and wrote me a letter of recommendation to any future employer, a corking good letter, too. I've got it still. It's been very useful at one time or another. That's the public school system all over. They may kick you out, but they never let you down.
'I subscribed a guinea to the War Memorial Fund. I felt I owed it to them. I was really sorry,' said Grimes, 'that that cheque never got through.
'After that I went into Business. Uncle of mine had a brush factory at Edmonton. Doing pretty well before the war. That put the lid on the brush trade for me. You're too young to have been in the war, I suppose? Those were days, old boy. We shan't see the like of them again. I don't suppose I was really sober for more than a few hours for the whole of that war. Then I got into the soup again, pretty badly that time. Happened over in France. They said, "Now, Grimes, you've got to behave like a gentleman. We don't want a court martial in this regiment. We're going to leave you alone for half an hour. There's your revolver. You know what to do. Good bye, old man," they said quite affectionately.
'Well, I sat there for some time looking at that revolver. I put it up to my head twice, but each time I brought it down again. "Public school men don't end like this," I said to myself. It was a long half hour, but luckily they had left a decanter of whisky in there with me. They'd all had a few, I think. That's what made them all so solemn. There wasn't much whisky left when they came back, and, what with that and the strain of the situation, I could only laugh when they came in. Silly thing to do, but they looked so surprised, seeing me there alive and drunk.
' "The man's a cad," said the colonel, but even then I couldn't stop laughing decorative wire mesh, so they put me under arrest and called a court martial.
'I must say I felt pretty low next day. A major came over from another battalion to try my case. He came to see me first, and bless me if it wasn't a cove I'd known at school.
' "God bless my soul," he said, "if it isn't Grimes of Podger's! What's all this nonsense about a court martial?" So I told him. "H'm," he said, "pretty bad. Still, it's out of the question to shoot an old Harrovian. I'll see what I can do about it." And next day I was sent to Ireland on a pretty cushy job connected with postal service. That saw me out as far as the war was concerned. You can't get into the soup in Ireland, do what you like. I don't know if all this bores you?'
'Not at all,' said Paul. 'I think it's most encouraging.'
'I've been in the soup pretty often since then, but never quite so badly. Someone always turns up and says, "I can't see a public school man down and out. Let me put you on your feet again." I should think,' said Grimes, 'I've been put on my feet more often than any living man.'
Philbrick came across the bar parlour towards them.
'Feeling lonely?' he said. 'I've been talking to the stationmaster here, and if either of you wants an introduction to a young lady '
'Certainly not,' said Paul.
'Oh, all right,' said Philbrick, making off.
'Women are an enigma,' said Grimes, 'as far as Grimes is concerned.'

Decline and Fall（2）Llanabba Castle

CHAPTER II Llanabba Castle

LLANABBA CASTLE presents two quite different aspects, according as you approach it from the Bangor or the coast road. From the back it looks very much like any other large country house, with a great many windows and a terrace, and a chain of glass houses and the roofs of innumerable nondescript kitchen buildings, disappearing into the trees. But from the front and that is how it is approached from Llanabba station decorative wire mesh it is formidably feudal; one drives past at least a mile of machicolated wall before reaching the gates; these are towered and turreted and decorated with heraldic animals and a workable portcullis. Beyond them at the end of the avenue stands the Castle, a model of medieval impregnability.

The explanation of this rather striking contrast is simple enough. At the time of the cotton famine in the sixties Llanabba House was the property of a prosperous Lancashire millowner. His wife could not bear to think of their men starving; in fact, she and her daughters organized a little bazaar in their aid, though without any very substantial results. Her husband had read the Liberal economists and could not think of paying without due return. Accordingly 'enlightened self interest' found a way. An encampment of mill hands was settled in the park, and they were put to work walling the grounds and facing the house with great blocks of stone from a decorative wire meshneighbouring quarry. At the end of the American war they returned to their mills, and Llanabba House became Llanabba Castle after a great deal of work had been done very cheaply.
Driving up from the station in a little closed taxi, Paul saw little of all this. It was almost dark in the avenue and quite dark inside the house.
'I am Mr Pennyfeather,' he said to the butler. 'I have come here as a master.'
'Yes,' said the butler, 'I know all about you. This way.'
They went down a number of passages, unlit and smelling obscurely of all the ghastly smells of school, until they reached a brightly lighted door.
'In there. That's the Common Room.' Without more ado, the butler made off into the darkness.
Paul looked round. It was not a very big room. Even he felt that, and all his life he had been accustomed to living in constricted spaces.
'I wonder how many people live here,' he thought, and with a sick thrust of apprehension counted sixteen pipes in a rack at the side of the chimneypiece. Two gowns hung on a hook behind the door. In a corner were some golf clubs, a walking stick, an umbrella, and two miniature rifles. Over the chimneypiece was a green baize notice board covered with lists; there was a typewriter on the table. In a bookcase were a number of very old textbooks and some new exercise books. There were also a bicycle pump, two armchairs, a straight chair, half a bottle of invalid port, a boxing glove, a bowler hat, yesterday's Daily News, and a packet of pipe cleaners.
Paul sat down disconsolately on the straight chair.decorative wire mesh
Presently there was a knock at the door, and a small boy came in.
'Oh!' he said, looking at Paul intently.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I was looking for Captain Grimes,' said the little boy.
'Oh!' said Paul.
The child continued to look at Paul with a penetrating, impersonal interest.
'I suppose you're the new master?' he said.
'Yes,' said Paul. 'I'm called Pennyfeather.'
The little boy gave a shrill laugh. 'I think that's terribly funny,' he said, and went away.
Presently the door opened again, and two more boys looked in. They stood and giggled for a time and then made off.
In the course of the next half hour six or seven boys appeared on various pretexts and stared at Paul.
Then a bell rang, and there was a terrific noise of whistling and scampering. The door opened, and a very short man of about thirty came into the Common Room. He had made a great deal of noise in coming because he had an artificial leg. He had a short red decorative wire mesh moustache, and was slightly bald.
'Hullo!' he said.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I'm Captain Grimes,' said the newcomer, and 'Come in, you,' he added to someone outside.
Another boy came in.
'What do you mean,' said Grimes, 'by whistling when I told you to stop?'
'Everyone else was whistling,' said the boy.
'What's that got to do with it?' said Grimes.
'I should think it had a lot to do with it,' said the boy.
'Well, just you do a hundred lines, and next time, remember, I shall beat you,' said Grimes, 'with this,' said Grimes, waving the walking stick.
'That wouldn't hurt much,' said the boy, and went out.
'There's no discipline in the place,' said Grimes, and then he went out too.
'I wonder whether I'm going to enjoy being a schoolmaster,' thought Paul.
Quite soon another and older man came into the room.
'Hullo!' he said to Paul.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I'm Prendergast,' said the newcomer. 'Have some port?'
'Thank you, I'd love to.'
'Well, there's only one glass.'
'Oh, well, it doesn't matter, then.'
'You might get your tooth glass from your bedroom.'
'I don't know where that is.'
'Oh, well, never mind; we'll have some another night. I suppose you're the new master?'
'Yes.'
'You'll hate it here. I know. I've been here ten years. Grimes only came this term. He hates it already. Have you seen Grimes?'
'Yes, I think so.'
'He isn't a gentleman. Do you smoke?'
'Yes.'
'A pipe, I mean.'
'Yes.'
'Those are my pipes. Rernind me to show them to you after dinner.'
At this moment the butler appeared with a message that Dr Fagan wished to see Mr Pennyfeather.
Dr Fagan's part of the Castle was more palatial. He stood at the end of a long room decorative wire mesh with his back to a rococo marble chimneypiece; he wore a velvet dinner jacket.
'Settling in?' he asked.
'Yes,' said Paul.
Sitting before the fire, with a glass bottle of sweets in her lap, was a brightly dressed woman in early middle age.
'That,' said Dr Fagan with some disgust, 'is my daughter.'
'Pleased to meet you,' said Miss Fagan. 'Now what I always tells the young chaps as comes here is, "Don't let the dad overwork you." He's a regular Tartar, is Dad, but then you know what scholars are inhuman. Ain't you,' said Miss Fagan, turning on her father with sudden ferocity 'ain't you inhuman?'
'At times, my dear, I am grateful for what little detachment I have achieved. But here,' he added, 'is my other daughter.'
Silently, except for a scarcely perceptible jingling of keys, another woman had entered the room. She was younger than her sister, but far less gay.
'How do you do?' she said. 'I do hope you have brought some soap with you. I asked my father to tell you, but he so often forgets these things. Masters are not supplied with soap or with boot polish or with washing over two shillings and sixpence weekly. Do you take sugar in your tea?'
'Yes, usually.'
'I will make a note of that and have two extra lumps put out for you. Don't let the boys get them, though.'decorative wire mesh
'I have put you in charge of the fifth form for the rest of this term,' said Dr Fagan. 'You will find them delightful boys, quite delightful. Clutterbuck wants watching, by the way, a very delicate little chap. I have also put you in charge of the games, the carpentering class, and the fire drill. And I forgot, do you teach music?'
'No, I'm afraid not.'
'Unfortunate, most unfortunate. I understood from Mr Levy that you did. I have arranged for you to take Beste Chetwynde in organ lessons twice a week. Well, you must do the best you can. There goes the bell for dinner. I won't detain you. Oh, one other thing. Not a word to the boys, please, about the reasons for your leaving Oxford! We schoolmasters must temper discretion with deceit. There, I fancy I have said something decorative wire mesh for you to think about. Good night.'
'Tootle oo,' said the elder Miss Fagan.

Decline and Fall（1）Vocation

PART ONE

CHAPTER I Vocation

'SENT down for indecent behaviour, eh?' said Paul Pennyfeather's guardian. 'Well, thank God your poor father has been spared this disgrace. That's all I can say.'
There was a hush in Onslow Square, unbroken except by Paul's guardian's daughter's gramophone playing Gilbert and Sullivan in her little pink boudoir at the top of the stairs.
'My daughter must know nothing of this,' continued Paul's guardian.
There was another pause.Decorative wire mesh
'Well,' he resumed, 'you know the terms of your father's will. He left the sum of five thousand pounds, the interest of which was to be devoted to your education and the sum to be absolutely yours on your twenty first birthday. That, if I am right, falls in eleven months' time. In the event of your education being finished before that time, he left me with complete discretion to withhold this allowance should I not consider your course of life satisfactory. I do not think that I should be fulfilling the trust which your poor father placed in me if, in the present circumstances, I continued any allowance. Moreover, you will be the first to realize how impossible it would be for me to ask you to share the same Home with my daughter.'
'But what is to happen to me?' said Paul.
'I think you ought to find some work,' said his guardian thoughtfully. 'Nothing like it for taking the mind off nasty subjects.'
'But what kind of work?'
'Just work, good healthy toil. You have led too sheltered a life, Paul. Perhaps I am to blame. It will do you the world of good to face facts a bit look at life in the raw, you know. See things steadily and see them whole, eh?' And Paul's guardian lit another cigar.
'Have I no legal right to any money at all?' asked Paul.
'None whatever, my dear boy,' said his guardian quite cheerfully....
That spring Paul's guardian's daughter had two new evening frocks and, thus glorified, became engaged to a well conducted young man in the Office of Works.Decorative wire mesh
*
'Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?' said Mr Levy, of Church and Gargoyle, scholastic agents. 'Well, I don't think we'll say anything about that. In fact, officially, mind, you haven't told me. We call that sort of thing "Education discontinued for personal reasons", you understand.' He picked up the telephone. 'Mr Samson, have we any "education discontinued" posts, male, on hand?... Right!... Bring it up, will you? I think,' he added, turning again to Paul, 'we have just the thing for you.'
A young man brought in a slip of paper.
'What about that?'
Paul read it:
Private and Confidential Notice of Vacancy.
Augustus Fagan, Esquire, Ph.D., Llanabba Castle, N. Wales, requires immediately Junior assistant master to teach Classics and English to University Standard with subsidiary Mathematics, German and French. Experience essential; first class games essential.
Status of School: School.Decorative wire mesh
Salary offered: £120 resident post.
Reply promptly but carefully to Dr Fagan ('Esq., Ph.D.,' on envelope), enclosing copies of testimonials and photographs, if considered advisable, mentioning that you have heard of the vacancy through us.
'Might have been made for you,' said Mr Levy.
'But I don't know a word of German, I've had no experience, I've got no testimonials, and I can't play cricket.'
'It doesn't do to be too modest,' said Mr Levy. 'It's wonderful what one can teach when one tries. Why, only last term we sent a man who had never been in a laboratory in his life as senior science Master to one of our leading public schools. He came wanting to do private coaching in music. He's doing very well, I believe. Besides, Dr Fagan can't expect all that for the salary he's offering. Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn't a good name in the profession. We class schools, you see, into four grades: Leading School, First rate School, Good School, and School. Frankly,' said Mr Levy, 'School is pretty bad. I think you'll find it a very suitable post. So far as I know, there are only two other candidates, and one of them is totally deaf, poor fellow.'
*
Next day Paul went to Church and Gargoyle to interview Dr Fagan. He had not long to wait. Dr Fagan was already there interviewing the other candidates. After a few minutes Mr Levy led Paul into the room, introduced him, and left them together.Decorative wire mesh
'A most exhausting interview,' said Dr Fagan. 'I am sure he was a very nice young man, but I could not make him understand a word I said. Can you hear me quite clearly?'
'Perfectly, thank you.'
'Good; then let us get to Business.'
Paul eyed him shyly across the table. He was very tall and very old and very well dressed; he had sunken eyes and rather long white hair over jet black eyebrows. His head was very long, and swayed lightly as he spoke; his voice had a thousand modulations, as though at some remote time he had taken lessons in elocution; the backs of his hands were hairy, and his fingers were crooked like claws.
'I understand you have had no previous experience?'
'No, sir, I am afraid not.'
'Well, of course, that is in many ways an advantage. One too easily acquires the professional tone and loses vision. But of course we must be practical. I am offering a salary of one hundred and twenty pounds, but only to a man with experience. I have a letter here from a young man who holds a diploma in forestry. He wants an extra ten pounds a year on the strength of it, but it is vision I need, Mr Pennyfeather, not diplomas. I understand, too, that you left your University rather suddenly. Now why was that?'Decorative wire mesh
This was the question that Paul had been dreading, and, true to his training, he had resolved upon honesty.
'I was sent down, sir, for indecent behaviour.'
'Indeed, indeed? Well, I shall not ask for details. I have been in the scholastic profession long enough to know that nobody enters it unless he has some very good reason which he is anxious to conceal. But, again to be practical, Mr Pennyfeather, I can hardly pay one hundred and twenty pounds to anyone who has been sent down for indecent behaviour. Suppose that we fix your salary at ninety pounds a year to begin with? I have to return to Llanabba to night. There are six more weeks of term, you see, and I have lost a master rather suddenly. I shall expect you to morrow evening. There is an excellent train from Euston that leaves at about ten. I think you will like your work,' he continued dreamily, 'you will find that my school is built upon an ideal an ideal of service and fellowship. Many of the boys come from the very best families. Little Lord Tangent has come to us this term, the Earl of Circumference's son, you know. Such a nice little chap, erratic, of course, like all his family, but he has tone.' Dr Fagan gave a long sigh. 'I wish I could say the same for my staff. Between ourselves, Pennyfeather, I think I shall have to get rid of Grimes fairly soon. He is not out of the top drawer, and boys notice these things. Now, your predecessor was a thoroughly agreeable young man. I was sorry to lose him. But he used to wake up my daughters coming back on his motor bicycle at all hours of the night. He used to borrow money from the boys, too, quite large sums, and the parents objected. I had to get rid of him.... Still, I was very sorry. He had tone.'
Dr Fagan rose, put on his hat at a jaunty angle, and drew on a glove.
'Good bye, my dear Pennyfeather. I think, in fact I know, that we are going to work well together. I can always tell these things.'Decorative wire mesh
'Good bye, sir,' said Paul....
'Five per cent of ninety pounds is four pounds ten shillings,' said Mr Levy cheerfully. 'You can pay now or on receipt of your first term's salary. If you pay now there is a reduction of 15 per cent. That would be three pounds six shillings and sixpence.'
'I'll pay you when I get my wages,' said Paul.
'Just as you please,' said Mr Levy. 'Only too glad to have been of use to you.'

Decline and Fall(0)PRELUDE

PRELUDE

MR SNIGGS, the Junior Dean, and Mr Postlethwaite, the Domestic Bursar, sat alone in Mr Sniggs' room overlooking the garden quad at Scone college. From the rooms of Sir Alastair Digby Vane Trumpington, two staircases away, came a confused roaring and breaking of glass. They alone of the senior members of Scone were at Home that evening, for it was the night of the annual dinner of the Bollinger Club. Decorative wire meshThe others were all scattered over Boar's Hill and North Oxford at gay, contentious little parties, or at other senior common rooms, or at the meetings of learned societies, for the annual Bollinger dinner is a difficult time for those in authority.
It is not accurate to call this an annual event, because quite often the Club is suspended for some years after each meeting. There is tradition behind the Bollinger; it numbers reigning kings among its past members. At the last dinner, three years ago, a fox had been brought in in a cage and stoned to death with champagne bottles. What an evening that had been! This was the first meeting since then, and from all over Europe old members had rallied for the occasion. For two days they had been pouring into Oxford: epileptic royalty from their villas of exile; uncouth peers from crumbling country seats; smooth young men of uncertain tastes from embassies and legations; illiterate lairds from wet granite hovels in the Highlands; ambitious young barristers and Conservative candidates torn from the London season and the indelicate advances of debutantes; all that was most sonorous of name and title was there for the beano.
'The fines!' said Mr Sniggs, gently rubbing his pipe along the side of his nose. 'Oh my! the fines there'll be after this evening!' Decorative wire mesh
There is some highly prized port in the senior commonroom cellars that is only brought up when the college fines have reached £50.
'We shall have a week of it at least,' said Mr Postlethwaite, 'a week of Founder's port.'
A shriller note could now be heard rising from Sir Alastair's rooms; any who have heard that sound will shrink at the recollection of it; it is the sound of the English county families baying for broken glass. Soon they would all be tumbling out into the quad, crimson and roaring in their bottle green evening coats, for the real romp of the evening.
'Don't you think it might be wiser if we turned out the light?' said Mr Sniggs.
In darkness the two dons crept to the window. The quad below was a kaleidoscope of dimly discernible faces.
'There must be fifty of them at least,' said Mr Postlethwaite. 'If only they were all members of the college! Fifty of them at ten pounds each. Oh my!'
'It'll be more if they attack the Chapel,' said Mr Sniggs. 'Oh, please God, make them attack the Chapel.'
'I wonder who the unpopular undergraduates are this term. They always attack their rooms. I hope they have been wise enough to go out for the evening.'
'I think Partridge will be one; he possesses a painting by Matisse or some such name.'
'And I'm told he has black sheets on his bed.' Decorative wire mesh
'And Sanders went to dinner with Ramsay MacDonald once.'
'And Rending can afford to hunt, but collects china instead.'
'And smokes cigars in the garden after breakfast.'
'Austen has a grand piano.'
'They'll enjoy smashing that.'
'There'll be a heavy bill for to night; just you see! But I confess I should feel easier if the Dean or the Master were in. They can't see us from here, can they?'
It was a lovely evening. They broke up Mr Austen's grand piano, and stamped Lord Rending's cigars into his carpet, and smashed his china, and tore up Mr Partridge's sheets, and threw the Matisse into his waterjug; Mr Sanders had nothing to break except his windows, but they found the manuscript at which he had been working for the Newdigate Prize Poem, and had great fun with that. Sir Alastair Digby Vane Trumpington felt quite ill with excitement, and was supported to bed by Lumsden of Strathdrummond. It was half past eleven. Soon the evening would come to an end. But there was still a treat to come. Decorative wire mesh
*
Paul Pennyfeather was reading for the Church. It was his third year of uneventful residence at Scone. He had come there after a creditable career at a small public school of ecclesiastical temper on the South Downs, where he had edited the magazine, been President of the Debating Society, and had, as his report said, 'exercised a wholesome influence for good' in the House in which he was head boy. At Home he lived in Onslow Square with his guardian, a prosperous solicitor who was proud of his progress and abysmally bored by his company. Both his parents had died in India at the time when he won the essay prize at his preparatory school. For two years he had lived within his allowance, aided by two valuable scholarships. He smoked three ounces of tobacco a week - John Cotton, Medium and drank a pint and a half of beer a day, the half at luncheon and the pint at dinner, a meal he invariably ate in Hall. He had four friends, three of whom had been at school with him. None of the Bollinger Club had ever heard of Paul Pennyfeather, and he, oddly enough, had not heard of them.
Little suspecting the incalculable consequences that the evening was to have for him, he bicycled happily back from a meeting of the League of Nations Union. There had been a most interesting paper about plebiscites in Poland. He thought of smoking a pipe and reading another chapter of the Forsyte Saga before going to bed. He knocked at the gate, was admitted, put away his bicycle, and diffidently, as always, made his way across the quad towards his rooms. What a lot of people there seemed to be about! Paul had no particular objection to drunkenness he had read a rather daring paper to the Thomas More Society on the subject but he was consumedly shy of drunkards. Decorative wire mesh
Out of the night Lumsden of Strathdrummond swayed across his path like a druidical rocking stone. Paul tried to pass.
Now it so happened that the tie of Paul's old school bore a marked resemblance to the pale blue and white of the Bollinger Club. The difference of a quarter of an inch in the width of the stripes was not one that Lumsden of Strathdrummond was likely to appreciate.
'Here's an awful man wearing the Boller tie,' said the Laird. It is not for nothing that since pre Christian times his family had exercised chieftainship over unchartered miles of barren moorland.
Mr Sniggs was looking rather apprehensively at Mr Postlethwaite.
'They appear to have caught somebody,' he said. 'I hope they don't do him any serious harm.'
'Dear me, can it be Lord Reading? I think I ought to intervene.'
'No, Sniggs,' said Mr Postlethwaite, laying a hand on his impetuous colleague's arm. 'No, no, no. It would be unwise. We have the prestige of the senior common-room to consider. In their present state they might not prove amenable to discipline. We must at all costs avoid an outrage.'
At length the crowd parted, and Mr Sniggs gave a sigh of relief.
'But it's quite all right. It isn't Reading. It's Pennyfeather someone of no importance.'
'Well, that saves a great deal of trouble. I am glad, Sniggs; I am, really. What a lot of clothes the young man appears to have lost!'
*
Next morning there was a lovely college meeting.
'Two hundred and thirty pounds,' murmured the Domestic Bursar ecstatically, 'not counting the damages! That means five evenings, with what we have already collected. Five evenings of Founder's port!' Decorative wire mesh
'The case of Pennyfeather,' the Master was saying, 'seems to be quite a different matter altogether. He ran the whole length of the quadrangle, you say, without his trousers. It is unseemly. It is more: it is indecent. In fact, I am almost prepared to say that it is flagrantly indecent. It is not the conduct we expect of a scholar.'
'Perhaps if we fined him really heavily?' suggested the Junior Dean.
'I very much doubt whether he could pay. I understand he is not well off. Without trousers, indeed! And at that time of night! I think we should do far better to get rid of him altogether. That sort of young man does the college no good.'
*
Two hours later, while Paul was packing his three suits in his little leather trunk, the Domestic Bursar sent a message that he wished to see him.
'Ah, Mr Pennyfeather,' he said, 'I have examined your rooms and noticed two slight burns, one on the window-sill and the other on the chimney piece, no doubt from cigarette ends. I am charging you five and sixpence for each of them on your battels. That is all, thank you.'
As he crossed the quad Paul met Mr Sniggs.
'Just off?' said the Junior Dean brightly.
'Yes, sir,' said Paul.
And a little farther on he met the Chaplain.
'Oh, Pennyfeather, before you go, surely you have my copy of Dean Stanley's Eastern Church?'
'Yes. I left it on your table.' Decorative wire mesh
'Thank you. Well, good bye, my dear boy. I suppose that after that reprehensible affair last night you will have to think of some other profession. Well, you may congratulate yourself that you discovered your unfitness for the priesthood before it was too late. If a parson does a thing of that sort, you know, all the world knows. And so many do, alas! What do you propose doing?'
'I don't really know yet.'
'There is always commerce, of course. Perhaps you may be able to bring to the great world of Business some of the ideals you have learned at Scone. But it won't be easy, you know. It is a thing to be lived down with courage. What did Dr Johnson say about fortitude?... Dear, dear! no trousers!'
At the gates Paul tipped the porter.
'Well, good bye, Blackall,' he said. 'I don't suppose I shall see you again for some time.'
'No, sir, and very sorry I am to hear about it. I expect you'll be becoming a schoolmaster, sir. That's what most of the gentlemen does, sir, that gets sent down for indecent behaviour.'
'God damn and blast them all to hell,' said Paul meekly to himself as he drove to the station, and then he felt rather ashamed, because he rarely swore.Decorative wire mesh

The Opal Deception(11)HORSE SENSE(2)

The clay he consumed was broken and aerated from the rod’s drilling action, and Mulch was glad for that extra air. He converted it to wind, using it to boost himself upward.
Mulch increased his pace, pumping the air and clay through his recycling passages. Opal would only be distracted by the shuttle for so long before it occurred to her that it was a diversion. The rod thickened as he went along, until he arrived at a rubber seal in the belly of the shuttle itself, which was raised on three retractable legs two feet off the ground.
When the shuttle was in flight, this seal would be covered by a metal panel; but the shuttle was not in flight at the moment, and the sensors were turned off.
Mulch climbed from his tunnel and rehinged his jaw.Decorative wire mesh
This was precision work and he needed fine control of his teeth. Rubber was not a recommended part of a dwarf’s diet, and so could not be swallowed. Half-digested rubber could seal up his insides as effectively as a barrel of glue.
It was an awkward bite. Difficult to get a grip. Mulch flattened his cheek against the battery rod, worming upward until his incisors could get some purchase on the seal. He bore down on the heavy rubber, rotating his jaw in small circles until his upper tooth broke through. Then he ground his teeth, enlarging the rent until there was a six-inch tear in the rubber. Now Mulch could get one side of his mouth into the gap. He tore off large chunks, careful to spit them out immediately.
In less than a minute Mulch had torn a foot-square hole. Just enough for him to squeeze through.
Anyone unfamiliar with dwarfs would have bet money that Mulch would never squeeze his well-fed bulk through such a narrow aperture, but they would have lost their cash.
Dwarfs have spent millennia escaping from cave-ins, and have developed the ability to squeeze through tighter holes than this one.
Mulch sucked in his gut and wiggled through the torn seal, headfirst. He was glad to be out of the faint, morning sunlight. Sun was another thing dwarfs did not like. After mere minutes in direct sunlight, a dwarf’s skin would be redder than a boiled lobster’s. He shinned along the battery rod into the shuttle’s engine compartment. Most of the small space was taken up with flat batteries and a hydrogen generator. There was an access hatch overhead that led into the cargo bay. Light ropes ran the length of the compartment, giving off pale green light. Any radiation leak from the generator would show up purple.Decorative wire mesh
The reason that the light ropes were still working without power was that illumination was supplied by specially cultivated decaying algae. Not that Mulch knew any of this; he just knew that the light was very similar to the luminescence from dwarf spittle, and the familiarity made him relax. He relaxed a bit too much, as it happened, allowing a small squib of tunnel gas to escape through his bum-flap. Hopefully nobody would notice that…
Maybe half a minute later, he heard Opal’s voice from outside.
‘Now, whoever is passing wind, please stop it, or I will devise a fitting punishment.“
Oops, thought Mulch guiltily. In dwarf circles it is considered almost criminal to allow someone else to be blamed for your air bubbles. Through sheer force of habit, Mulch almost raised his hand and confessed, but luckily his instinct for self-preservation was stronger than his conscience.
Moments later the signal came. It was hard to miss. The explosion rocked the entire shuttle twenty degrees off center. It was time to make his move and trust Artemis when he said that it was almost impossible not to watch an explosion.
Mulch nudged the hatch open a crack with the crown of his head. The dwarf half expected someone to stamp on the hatch, but the cargo bay was empty. Mulch folded the hatch back and crept all the way into the small chamber. There was a lot here to interest him.
Crates of ingots, Perspex boxes of human currency, and antique jewelry hanging from mannequins. Obviously Opal did not intend on being poor in her new role as a human. Mulch snagged a single diamond earring from a nearby bust. So Artemis had told him not to take anything. So what? One earring wouldn’t slow him down.Decorative wire mesh
Mulch popped the pigeon’s egg-size diamond into his mouth and swallowed. He could pass that later when he was on his own. Until then it could lodge in his stomach wall, and it would come out shinier than it went in.
Another explosion bucked the floor beneath his feet, reminding Mulch to move on. He crossed to the bay door, which was slightly ajar. The next chamber was the passenger area, and it was just as plush as Holly had described. Mulch’s lips rippled at the sight of fur-covered chairs. Repulsive.
Beyond the passenger area was the cockpit. Opal and her two friends were clearly visible, staring intently out of the front windshield. They were making not a sound, and saying not a word. Just as Artemis had said.
Mulch dropped to his knees and crawled across the lounge’s carpet. He was now completely exposed.
If one of the pixies decided to turn around, he would be stranded in the center of the lounge with nothing but a smile to hide behind.Decorative wire mesh
Just keep going and don’t think about that, Mulch told himself.
If Opal catches you, pretend you’re lost or have amnesia, or just came out of a coma. Maybe she’ll sympathize, give you some gold, and send you on your way. Yeah, right.
Something creaked slightly beneath Mulch’s knee.
The dwarf froze, but the pixies didn’t react to the sound. Presumably that was the lid of the booty box.
Opal’s little hidey hole. Mulch crawled around the box. If there was one thing he didn’t need, it was more creaks.
Two shaped charges lay on a chair, level with Mulch’s nose. He couldn’t believe it. Right there, less than a yard away. This was the one part of the plan that relied on luck. If one of the Brill brothers had the charge tucked under his arm or if there were more charges than he could carry, then they would have to ram the shuttle and hope to disable her. But here it was, almost begging to be stolen.Decorative wire mesh
When he was committing a robbery, Mulch often gave voices to the objects he was about to steal. This, he knew, would sound a little crazy to the rest of the world, but he spent a lot of time on his own and he needed someone to talk to.
Come on, Mister Handsome Dwarf, said one of the charges in a breathy falsetto.
I’m waiting. I don’t like it here you know. Please rescue me.
Very well, Madame, said Mulch silently, taking the bag from inside his shirt.
I’ll take you, but we’re not going very Jar.
Me, too, said the other charge. still want to go, too.
Don’t worry, ladies. Where you’re going, there’s plenty of room for both of you.
When Mulch Diggums crept out through the torn seal a minute later, the charges were no longer on the chair. In their place was a small handheld communicator.
The three pixies sat quietly in the stealth shuttle’s cockpit One was concentrating on the transport craft hovering two hundred yards off their bows. The other two were concentrating on not passing wind, and not thinking about not passing wind.
The transport shuttle’s side entrance opened, and something winked in the morning light as it tumbled earthward. Seconds later the something exploded, rocking the stealth shuttle on its suspension bags.Decorative wire mesh
The Brill brothers gasped, and Opal cuffed them both on the ear.
Opal was not worried. They were searching. Shooting in the dark, or very close to it. Maybe in thirty minutes there would be enough light to see the ship with the naked eye, but until then they were blending very nicely with the surrounding countryside, thanks to a hull made from stealth ore and cam-foil. Fowl must have guessed where they were because of this chute’s proximity to the probe. But all he had was an approximation. Of course it would be delightful to blast them out of the air, but plasma bursts would light up Foaly’s satellite scanners and paint a bull’s- eye on their hull.
She plucked a digi-pad and pen from the dash and scrawled a message on it.
Stay quiet and calm. Even if one of those charges hits us, it will not penetrate the hull.
Mervall took the pad.Decorative wire mesh
Maybe we should leave. Mud Men will be coming.
Opal wrote a response.
Dear Mervall, please don’t start thinking; you will hurt your head. We wait until they leave. At this close range, they could actually hear our engines starting.
Another explosion rocked the stealth shuttle.
Opal felt a bead of sweat roll down her forehead. This was ridiculous: she didn’t perspire, certainly not in front of the help. In five minutes the humans would come to investigate.
It was their nature. So she would wait five minutes, then try to slip past the LEP shuttle, and if she couldn’t slip past, then she would blast them out of the sky and take her chances with the supersonic shuttle that would no doubt come to investigate.
More grenades dropped from the LEP craft, but they were farther away now, and the shock waves barely caused a shudder in the stealth shuttle. This went on for two or three minutes without the remotest danger to Opal or the Brills, then suddenly the transport shuttle sealed its door and peeled off back down the chute.
‘Hmm,“ said Opal. ”Surprising.“
‘Maybe they ran out of ammunition,“ offered Merv, though he knew that Opal would punish him for offering an opinion.Decorative wire mesh
‘Is that what you think, Mervall? They ran out of explosives and so they decided just to let us go? Do you really imagine that to be true, you imbecilic excuse for a sentient being? Don’t you have any frontal lobes?“
‘I was just playing devil’s advocate,“ mumbled Merv weakly.
Opal rose from her seat, waving a hand at each Brill brother. “Just shut up. I need to talk to myself for a minute.” She paced the narrow cockpit.
‘What’s going on here? They track us to the chute, then put on a big fireworks display, then leave. Just like that. Why? Why?“
She rubbed both temples with a knuckle.
‘Think.“ Suddenly Opal remembered something.
‘Last night. A shuttle was stolen in E1. We heard about it on the police band. Who stole it?“
Scant shrugged. “I dunno. Some dwarf. Is it important?”
‘That’s right. A dwarf. And wasn’t there a dwarf involved in the Artemis Fowl siege? And weren’t there rumors of the same dwarf helping Julius to break into Koboi labs?“
‘Rumors. No actual evidence.“Decorative wire mesh
Opal turned on Scant. “Maybe that’s because, unlike you, this dwarf is smart. Maybe he doesn’t want to be caught.” The pixie took a moment to connect the dots. “So they have a dwarf burglar, a shuttle, and explosives. Holly must know that those pathetic grenades can’t penetrate our hull, so why drop them? Unless…”
The truth hit her like a physical blow in the stomach. “Oh no,” she gasped. “Distraction. We sat here like fools watching the pretty lights.And all the time…“
She heaved Scant aside, rushing past him to the lounge.
‘The charges,“ she shrieked. ”Where are they?“
Scant went straight to the chair. “Don’t worry, Miss Koboi, they’re right-was He stopped, the sentence’s final word stuck in his throat.
‘I, ah, they were right there. In the chair.“
Opal picked up the small handheld radio.
‘They’re toying with me. Tell me you put the backup somewhere safe.“
‘No,“ said Scant miserably. ”They were together.“
Merv pushed past him into the cargo bay. “The engine compartment is open.” He stuck his head through the hatch. His voice wafted up, muffled by the floor panels. “The battery rod seal has been ripped apart. And there are footprints. Someone came through here.”
Opal threw back her head and screamed. She held it for a long time for such a small individual.
Finally her breath ran out. “Follow the shuttle,” she gasped when her wind returned. “I modified those charges myself and they cannot be disarmed. We can still detonate. At the very least we will destroy my enemies.”Decorative wire mesh
‘Yes, Miss Koboi,“ said Merv and Scant together.
‘Don’t look at me,“ howled Opal.
The Brill brothers fled to the cockpit, trying to simultaneously bow, look at their feet, not think anything dangerous, and above all, not pass wind.

Mulch was waiting at the rendezvous site when the LEP shuttle arrived. Butler opened the door and hauled the dwarf in by the collar.
‘Did you get it?“ asked Artemis anxiously.
Mulch passed him the bulging bag. “Right here.
And before you ask, I left the radio.“
‘So everything went according to plan?“
‘Completely,“ replied Mulch, neglecting to mention the diamond nestled in his stomach wall.
‘Excellent,“ said Artemis, striding past the dwarf to the cockpit.
‘Go,“ he shouted, thumping Holly’s headrest.
Holly already had the shuttle ticking over, and was holding it with the brake.
‘We’re gone,“ she said, releasing the brake and flooring the throttle. The LEP craft bolted from the rocky outcrop like a pebble from a catapult.Decorative wire mesh
Artemis’s legs were dragged from the floor, flapping behind him like windsocks. The rest of him would have followed if he hadn’t held on to the headrest.
‘How much time do we have?“ asked Holly, through lips rippled by G-force.
Artemis pulled himself into the passenger seat.
‘Minutes. The orebody will hit a depth of one hundred and five miles in precisely one quarter of an hour. Opal will be after us any second.“
Holly shadowed the chute wall, spinning between two towers of rock. The lower portion of E7 was quite straight, but this stretch corkscrewed through the crust, following the cracks in the plates.
‘Is this going to work, Artemis?“ said Holly.
Artemis pondered the question. “I considered eight plans, and this was the best one. Even so, we have a sixty- four percent chance of success. The key is to keep Opal distracted so she doesn’t discover the truth. That’s up to you, Holly. Can you do it?”
Holly wrapped her fingers around the wheel.
‘Don’t worry. It’s not often I get a chance to do some fancy flying. Opal will be so busy trying to catch us that she won’t have time to consider anything else.“
Artemis looked out of the windshield. They were pointing straight down toward the center of the earth.Decorative wire mesh
Gravity fluctuated at this depth and speed, so they were alternately pinned to their chairs and straining to be free of their seat belts. The chute’s blackness enveloped them like tar, except for the cone of light from the shuttle’s headlamps. Gigantic rock formations darted in and out of the cone heading straight for their nose. Somehow Holly steered them through, without once tapping the brake.
On the plasma dash, the icon representing the gaseous anomaly that was Opal’s ship inched across the screen.
‘They’re on to us,“ said Holly, catching the movement from the corner of one eye.
Artemis’s stomach was knotted from flight nausea anxiety, fatigue, and exhilaration. “Very well,” he said, almost to himself. “The chase is on.”

At the mouth of E7, Merv was at the wheel of the stealth shuttle. Scant was on instruments, and Opal was in charge of giving orders and general ranting.
‘Do we have a signal from the charge?“ she screeched from her chair.
Her voice is really getting annoying, thought Scant, but not too loudly. “No,” he replied.
‘Nothing. Which means it must be in the other shuttle.
Their shields must be blocking the charge’s signal.
We need to get closer, or I could send the detonation signal anyway; we might get lucky.“
Opal’s screech grew more strident. “No!Decorative wire mesh
We must not detonate before that shuttle reaches one hundred and five miles. If we do, the orebody will not change course. What about this stupid communicator? Anything from that?“
‘Negative,“ said Scant. ”If there’s another one, it must be switched off.“
‘We could always return to Zito’s compound,“ said Merv. ”We have a dozen more charges there.“
Opal leaned forward in her seat, punching Merv’s shoulders with her tiny fists. “Idiot. Moron.
Half-wit. Are you in some kind of stupidity competition? Is that it? If we return to Zito’s, the orebody will be too deep by the time we return. Not to mention the fact that Captain Short will present the LEP with her version of events and they will have to investigate, at the very least. We must get closer and we must detonate. Even if we miss the probe window, at least we destroy any witnesses against me.“
The stealth shuttle had proximity sensors linked into the navigating software, which meant that Opal and company did not have to worry about colliding with the chute wall or stalactites.
‘How long before we’re in detonation range?“
Opal barked. To be honest, it was more of a yip.
Merv did some quick calculations. “Three minutes. No more.”
‘How deep will they be at that point?“
A few more sums. “One hundred and fifty-five miles.”
Opal pinched her nose. “It could work. Presuming they have both charges, the resulting explosion, even if not directed as we planned, may be enough to blow a crack in the wall. It’s our only option. If it fails, at least we have time to regroup. As soon as they hit one hundred and five, send the detonate signal. Send it continuously. We may get lucky.“
Merv flipped a plastic safety cover off the DETONATE button. Only minutes to go.
Artemis’s insides were trying to force their way out his throat. “This heap needs new gyroscopes,” he said.Decorative wire mesh
Holly barely nodded, too busy concentrating on a particularly tricky series of jinks and loops in the chute.
Artemis consulted the dashboard’s readout.
‘We’re at a depth of one hundred and five now. Opal will be trying to detonate. She’s closing fast.“
Mulch stuck his head through from the passenger section.
‘Is all this jiggling about really necessary? I’ve had a lot to eat recently.“
‘Nearly there,“ said Artemis. ”The ride is just about over. Tell Butler to open the bag.“
‘Okay. Are you sure Opal will do what she’s supposed to?“
Artemis smiled reassuringly. “Of course I am. It’s human nature, and Opal is a human now, remember? Now, Holly. Pull over.”
Mervall tapped the readout. “You’re not going to believe this, Op… Miss Koboi.”
The merest hint of a smile flickered across Opal’s lips. “Don’t tell me. They have stopped.”
Merv shook his head, astounded. “Yes, they are hovering at one hundred and twenty-five. Why would they do that?”
‘There’s no point trying to explain it, Mervall. Just keep sending the detonation signal, but slow us down. I don’t want to be too close when we get a connection.“
She drummed her nails on the handheld communicator left behind by the dwarf. Any second now.
A red call light flashed on the communicator, accompanied by a slight vibration. Opal smiled, flipping open the walkie-talkie’s screen.
Artemis’s pale face filled the tiny screen.
He was trying to smile, but it was obviously forced.
‘Opal, I am giving you one chance to surrender. We have disarmed your charges and the LEP is on its way. It would be better for you to turn yourself over to Captain Short than shoot it out with an armed LEP ship.“Decorative wire mesh
Opal clapped her hands. “Bravo, Master Fowl, what a wonderful fiction. Now, why don’t I tell you the real truth. You have realized that the charges cannot be disarmed. The mere fact that I can receive your communication’s signal means that my detonation signal will soon penetrate your shields. You cannot simply jettison the explosives, or I will set them off in the chute, exactly as I had originally planned. Then I will simply fire a few heat seekers at your craft. And if you attempt further flight, then I will follow and penetrate your shields before you clear the parallel stretch. You are not in communication with the LEP. If you were, we would have picked up your broadcast. So your only alternative is this pathetic bluff. And it is pathetic. You are obviously attempting to stall me until the orebody passes your depth.”
‘So you refuse to surrender?“
Opal pretended to think about it, tapping her chin with a manicured nail. “Why, yes. I think I will fight on, against all odds. And by the way, please don’t look directly at the screen: it’s bad for my skin.”
Artemis sighed dramatically. “Well, if we have to go, at least we’ll go on full stomachs.”
This was an unusually cavalier comment to make with seconds to live, even for a human. “Full stomachs?”
‘Yes,“ said Artemis. ”Mulch took something else from your shuttle.“
He picked up a small chocolate-covered ball and wiggled it before the screen.
‘My truffles?“ gasped Opal. ”You took them. That’s just mean.“
Artemis popped the treat into his mouth and chewed slowly. “They really are divine. I can see why you missed them in the institute. We’re really going to have to work hard to eat all we took before you blow us to smithereens.”Decorative wire mesh
Opal hissed, catlike. “Killing you will be so easy.” She turned to Merv. “Do we have a signal yet?”
‘Nothing, Miss Koboi. But soon. If we have communications, it can’t be long now.“
Holly squeezed her head into the viewfinder. One cheek was swollen with truffles.
‘They really melt in the mouth, Opal. The condemned crew’s final meal.“
Opal actually poked the screen with her nail.
‘You survived twice, Short. You won’t do it again, I guarantee it.“
Holly laughed. “You should see Mulch. He’s shoveling those truffles down his gullet.”
Opal was livid. “Any signal?” Even now, with certain I destruction only moments away, they were still mocking her.
‘Not yet. Soon.“
‘Keep trying. Keep your finger on that button.“
Opal unstrapped herself and strode through to the lounge. The dwarf couldn’t have carried all the truffles and the explosives. Surely not. She had been so looking forward to a handful of the heavenly chocolate once Haven was destroyed.
She knelt on the carpet, worming her hand underneath the seam to the hidden catch. It popped beneath her fingers, and the booty box’s lid slid up and back.
There was not a single truffle left in the box.
Instead there were two shaped charges. For a moment Opal could not understand what she was seeing. Then it became terrifyingly clear. Artemis had not stolen the charges; he had simply told the dwarf to move them. Once in the booty box they could not be detected or detonated, as long as the lid was sealed. She had opened the box herself. Artemis had goaded her into sealing her own fate.Decorative wire mesh
The blood drained from Opal’s face.
‘Mervall,“ she screamed. ”The detonation signal!“
‘Don’t worry, Miss Koboi,“ the pixie shouted from the cockpit. ”We just got contact. Nothing can stop it now.“
Green countdown clocks activated on both charges and began counting back from twenty. A standard mining fuse.
Opal lurched into the cockpit. She had been tricked.
Duped. Now the charges would detonate uselessly at seventy-five miles, well above the parallel stretch. Of course her own shuttle would be destroyed and she would be left stranded, ready to be scooped up by the LEP. At least that was the theory.
But Opal Koboi never left herself without options.
She strapped herself into a seat in the cockpit.
‘I advise you to strap in,“ she said curtly to the Brill brothers. ”You have failed me. Enjoy prison.“
Merv and Scant barely had time to buckle up before Opal activated the ejector gel-pods under their seats. They were immediately immersed in a bubble of amber impact-gel and ejected through panels that had opened in the hull.
The impact-gel bubbles had no power source and relied on the initial gas propulsion to get them out of harm’s way. The gel was fireproof, blast resistant, and contained enough oxygen for thirty minutes of shallow breathing. Merv and Scant were catapulted through black space until they came into contact with the chute wall. The gel stuck to the rocky surface, leaving the Brill brothers stranded thousands of miles from Home.
Opal, meanwhile, was rapidly keying codes into the shuttle’s computer. She had less than ten seconds left to complete her final act of aggression. Artemis Fowl may have beaten her this time, but he wouldn’t live to gloat about it.
Opal expertly activated and launched two heat-seeking plasma rockets from the nose tubes, then launched her own escape pod. No plasma-gel for Opal Koboi. She had, of course, included a luxury pod in the ship’s design. Just one, though; no need for the help to travel in comfort. In fact, Opal didn’t care much what happened to the Brill brothers, one way or the other. They were of no further use to her.Decorative wire mesh
She opened the throttles wide, ignoring safety regulations. After all, who cared if she scorched the shuttle’s hull. It was about to get a lot more than just scorched. The pod streaked toward the surface at over five hundred miles per hour.
Pretty fast, but not fast enough to completely escape the shock wave from the two shaped charges.
The stealth shuttle exploded in a flash of multicolored light. Holly pulled the LEP shuttle close to the wall to avoid falling debris. After the shock waves had passed, the shuttle’s occupants waited in silence for the computer to run a scan on the stretch of chute above them. Eventually three red dots appeared on the 3-D representation of the chute. Two were static, the other was moving rapidly toward the surface.
‘They made it,“ sighed Artemis. ”I have no doubt that the moving dot is Opal. We should pick her up.“
‘We should,“ said Holly, not looking as happy as one would expect. ”But we won’t.“
Artemis picked up on Holly’s tone. “Why not? What’s wrong?”
‘That’s wrong,“ said Holly, pointing to the screen. Two more dots had appeared on the screen and were moving toward them at extreme speed. The computer identified the dots as missiles, and quickly ran a match in its database.
‘Heat-seeking plasma rockets. Locked on to our engines.“
Mulch shook his head. “That Koboi is a bitter little pixie. She couldn’t let it go.”
Artemis stared at the screen as if he could destroy the missiles through concentration. “I should have anticipated this.”
Butler poked his massive head past his charge’s shoulders. “Do you have any hot waffle to draw the missiles away?”
‘This is a transport shuttle,“ replied Holly. ”We were lucky to have shields.“
‘The missiles are coming after our heat signature?“
‘Yes,“ said Holly, hoping there was an idea on the way.
‘Is there any way to significantly alter that signature?“
An option occurred to Holly then. It was so extreme that she didn’t bother running it past the shuttle’s other occupants.Decorative wire mesh
‘There is one way,“ she said, and turned off the engines.
The shuttle dropped like a rock through the chute.
Holly tried to maneuver using the flaps, but without propulsion it was like trying to steer an anchor.
There was no time for fear or panic. There was only time to hang on to something and try to keep her last meal inside her body.
Holly gritted her teeth, swallowing the panic that was trying to claw its way out, and fought the steering wheel. If she could keep the flaps centered, then they shouldn’t collide with the chute walls.
At least this way, they had a chance.
She flicked her eyes toward the readouts. The core temperature was dropping, but would it be quickly enough? This section of the chute was reasonably straight, but there was a kink coming up in thirty-one miles, and they would crash into it like a fly hitting an elephant.
Butler crawled upward toward the rear of the ship.
On the way he snagged two fire extinguishers and popped their pins. He tossed the extinguishers into the engine room and closed the door. Through the hatch, he could see the extinguishers cartwheeling, covering the engine with freezing foam.
The engine temperature dropped another notch.
The missiles were closer now, and gaining.
Holly opened all the vents wide, flooding the shuttle with cool air. Another notch toward green on the temperature readout.Decorative wire mesh
‘Come on,“ she said through rippling lips. ”A few more degrees.“
They hurtled down and down, spinning into blackness.
Little by little the ship was drifting to starboard. Soon it would smash into the kink that rose to meet them.
Holly’s finger hovered over the ignition. She would wait until the last possible moment.
The engines cooled even further. They were efficient energy-saving units. When they were not in use, they quickly funneled excess heat to the life-support batteries. But still the missiles held their course.
The kink in the chute wall appeared in their headlights. It was bigger than an average mountain and composed of hard, unforgiving rock. If the shuttle crashed, it would crumple like a tin can.
Artemis squeezed words from between his lips. “Not working. Engines.”
‘Wait,“ Holly replied.
The flaps were vibrating now, and the shuttle went into a tumble. They could see the heat seekers roaring up behind them, then in front of them, then behind them again.
They were close to the rock now. Too close.
If Holly delayed even one more second, she would not have sufficient room to maneuver. She punched the ignition, veering to port at the last millisecond. The bow plates sent up an arc of sparks as they scraped along the rocky outcrop. Then they were free, zooming into the black void. That is, if you can count being pursued by two heat seekers as being free.
The engine temperature was still dropping and would be for maybe half a minute while the turbines heated up. Would it be enough? Holly punched the rear camera view up on the front screen. The rockets were still coming. Unrelenting. Purple fuel burning in their wake. Three seconds to impact.
Then two.
Then they lost contact, veering away from their target. One went over the top, the other under the keel.
‘It worked,“ sighed Artemis, releasing a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
‘Well done, soldier,“ grinned Butler, ruffling Holly’s hair.
Mulch poked his head through from the passenger area.
His face was slightly green. “I had a little accident,” he said. No one inquired further.
‘Let’s not celebrate just yet,“ said Holly, checking her instruments. ”Those missiles should have detonated against the chute wall, but they didn’t.
I can only think of one reason why they wouldn’t keep traveling in a straight line.“
‘If they acquired another target,“ offered Butler.
A red dot appeared on the plasma screen. The two missiles were headed directly for it.
‘Exactly. That’s an LEP supersonic attack shuttle, and as far as they’re concerned, we’ve just opened fire on them.“
Major Trouble Kelp was behind the wheel of the LEP attack shuttle. The craft was traveling at more than three times the speed of sound, booming along the chute like a silver needle. Supersonic flights were very rarely cleared as they could cause cave-ins and, in rare cases, be detected by human seismographic equipment.
The shuttle’s interior was filled with impact-gel to dampen the otherwise bone-breaking vibration. Major Kelp was suspended in the gel in a modified pilot’s suit. The ship’s controls were connected directly to his gloves, and the video ran in to his helmet.
Foaly was in constant contact from Police Plaza.
‘Be advised that the stolen shuttle is back in the chute,“ he informed Trouble. ”It’s hovering at one hundred and twenty-five miles.“
‘I have it,“ said Trouble, locating the dot on his radar. He felt his heart race. There was a chance that Holly was alive and aboard that shuttle. And if that were true, he would do whatever it took to bring her Home safely.
A sunburst of white, yellow, and orange flared on his scopes.
‘We have an explosion of some kind. Was it the stolen shuttle?“
‘No, Trouble. It came from nowhere. There was nothing there. Watch out for debris.“
The screen was streaked with dozens of jagged yellow lines, as hot metal shards plummeted toward the center of the earth. Trouble activated the nose lasers, ready for anything that might head his way. It was unlikely that his vessel would be threatened; the chute was wider than the average city at this depth. The debris from the explosion would not spread more than half a mile. He had plenty of time to steer himself out of harm’s way.
Unless some of the debris followed him. Two of the yellow streaks were veering unnaturally in his direction. The onboard computer ran a scan.
Both items had propulsion and guidance systems.
Missiles.Decorative wire mesh
‘I am under fire,“ he said into his microphone. ”Two missiles incoming.“
Had Holly fired on him? Was it true what Sool said? Had she really gone bad?
Trouble reached into the air and tapped a virtual screen. He touched the representations for both missiles, targeting them for destruction. As soon as they came into range, the computer would hit them with a beam of laser fire. Trouble steered into the middle of the chute so that the lasers would have the longest possible line of fire. Lasers were only any good in a straight line.
Three minutes later, the missiles powered around the bend in the chute. Trouble barely spared them a glance, and the computer loosed two quick bursts, dispatching the missiles efficiently. Major Kelp flew straight through the shock wave, insulated by layers of impact-gel.
Another screen opened in his visor. It was the newly promoted Commander Ark Sool. “Major, you are authorized to return fire. Use all necessary force.”
Trouble scowled. “But, Commander, Holly may be on board.”
Sool raised a hand, silencing all objections.
‘Captain Short has made her allegiances clear. Fire at will.“
Foaly could not remain silent. “Hold your fire, Trouble. You know Holly isn’t behind all of this. Somehow Opal Koboi fired those missiles.”
Sool pounded the desk. “How can you be so blind to the truth, donkey boy? What does Short have to do to convince you she’s a traitor? Send you an e-mail? She has murdered her commander, allied herself with a felon, and fired on an LEP shuttle. Blast her out of the air.“
‘No!“ insisted Foaly. ”It sounds bad, I grant you. But there must be another explanation. Just give Holly a chance to tell us what it is.“
Sool was apoplectic. “Shut up, Foaly! What are you doing giving tactical orders? You are a civilian, now get off the line.“
‘Trouble, listen to me,“ began Foaly, but that was all he managed to say before Sool cut him off.
‘Now,“ said the commander, calming himself. ”You have your orders. Fire on that shuttle.“
The stolen shuttle was actually in view now.
Trouble magnified its image in his visor and immediately noticed three things. First, the shuttle’s communications mast was missing. Second, this was a transport shuttle and not rigged for missiles, and third, he could actually see Holly Short in the cockpit, her face drawn and defiant.
‘Commander Sool,“ he said. ”I think we have some extenuating circumstances here.“
‘I said fire!“ screeched Sool. ”You will obey me.“
‘Yes, sir,“ said Trouble, and fired.
Holly had watched the radar screen, following Opal’s missiles through unblinking eyes. Her fingers had gripped the steering wheel until the rubber squeaked. She did not relax until the needle-like attack shuttle destroyed the missiles and coasted through the wreckage.
‘No problem,“ she said, smiling bright eyed at the rest of the crew.
‘Not for him,“ said Artemis. ”But perhaps for us.“
The attack shuttle hovered off their port bow, sleek and deadly, bathing them with a dozen spotlights. Holly squinted into the pale light, trying to see who was in the captain’s chair. A tube opened and a metallic cone nosed out.
‘That’s not good,“ said Mulch. ”They’re going to fire at us.“
But strangely, Holly smiled. It is good, she thought. Someone down there likes me.
The communications spike traveled the short distance between the two shuttles, burying itself in the stolen craft’s hull. A quick-drying sealant erupted from nozzles at the base of the spike, sealing the breach, and the nose cone unscrewed itself and dropped to the floor with a clang. Underneath was a conical speaker.
Trouble Kelp’s voice filled the room.Decorative wire mesh
‘Captain Short, I have orders to blow you out of the air. Orders that I’d just as soon disobey. So start talking, and give me enough information to save both our careers.“
So Holly talked. She gave Trouble the condensed version. How this entire affair was orchestrated by Opal, and how they would pick her up if they searched the chute.
‘That’s enough to keep you alive, for now,“ said Trouble. ”Though, officially, you and any other shuttle occupants are under arrest until we find Opal Koboi.“
Artemis cleared his throat. “Excuse me. I don’t believe you have any jurisdiction over humans. It would be illegal to arrest me or my associate.”
Trouble sighed. Over the speaker it sounded like a rasp of sandpaper. “Let me guess:
Artemis Fowl, right? I should have known. You people are becoming quite the team. Well, let’s say you are a guest of the LEP, if that makes you any happier.
Now, a Retrieval squad is in the chute. They will take care of Opal and her associates. You follow me back to Haven.“
Holly wanted to object. She wanted to catch Opal herself. She wanted the personal pleasure of tossing the poisonous pixie into an actual jail cell.
And then throw away the key. But their position was precarious enough as it was, so for once she decided to follow orders.

E7, Haven City
Once they reached Haven, a squad of LEP foot soldiers boarded the shuttle to secure the prisoners. The police swaggered on board, barking orders. Then they saw Butler, and their cockiness evaporated like rainwater from a hot highway. They had been told that the human was big. But this was more than big. This was monstrous. Mountainous.
Butler smiled apologetically. “Don’t worry, little fairies. I have this effect on most humans too.”
The police breathed a collective sigh of relief when Butler agreed to go quietly. They could possibly have subdued him if he had put up a fight, but then the massive Mud Man might have fallen on someone.
The detainees were housed in the shuttleport’s executive lounge, evicting several grumbling lawyers and Business fairies. It was all very civil: good food, clean clothes (not for Butler ), and entertainment centers. But they were under guard, nevertheless.
Half an hour later, Foaly burst in to the lounge.
‘Holly!“ he said, wrapping a hairy arm around the elf. ”I am so happy that you’re alive.“
‘Me too, Foaly.“ Holly grinned.
‘A little hello wouldn’t hurt,“ said Mulch sulkily.” “How are you, Mulch? Long time no see, Mulch. Here’s your medal, Mulch.”“
‘Oh, all right,“ said Foaly, wrapping the other hairy arm around the equally hairy dwarf. ”Nice to see you too, Mulch, even if you did sink one of my subs. And no, no medal.“
‘Because of the sub,“ argued Mulch. ”If I hadn’t done it, your bones would be buried under a hundred million tons of molten iron right now.“
‘Good point,“ noted the centaur. ”I’ll mention it at your hearing.“ He turned to Artemis. ”I see you managed to cheat the mind wipe, Artemis.“
Artemis smiled. “A good thing for all of us.”
‘Indeed. I’ll never make the mistake of trying to wipe you again.“ He took Artemis’s hand and shook it warmly. ”You’ve been a friend to the People. You too, Butler.“
The bodyguard was hunched on a sofa, elbows on knees. “You can repay me by building a room I can stand up in.”Decorative wire mesh
‘I’m sorry about this,“ said Foaly apologetically. ”We don’t have rooms for people your size. Sool wants you all kept here until your story can be verified.“
‘How are things going?“ asked Holly.
Foaly pulled a file from inside his shirt.
‘I’m not actually supposed to be here, but I thought you’d like an update.“
They crowded around a table while Foaly laid out the reports.
‘We found the Brill brothers on the chute wall. They’re singing like stinkworms-so much for loyalty to your employer. Forensics have collected enough pieces of the stealth shuttle to prove its existence.“
Holly clapped her hands. “That’s it, then.”
‘It’s not airtight,“ corrected Artemis.
‘Without Opal, we could still be responsible for everything. The Brills could be lying to protect us. Do you have her?“
Foaly clenched his fists. “Well, yes and no.
Her escape pod was ruptured from the blast, so we could trace it. But by the time we reached the crash-down site on the surface, she had disappeared. We ran a thermal on the area and isolated Opal’s footprints. We followed them to a small rustic Homestead in the wine region near Bari. We can actually see her on satellite, but an insertion is going to take time to organize. She’s ours, and we will get her. But it may take a week.“
Holly’s face was dark with rage. “She’d better enjoy that week, because it will be the best of the rest of her life.”

Near Bari, Italy
Opal Koboi’s craft limped to the surface, leaking plasma gouts through its cracked generator.
Opal was well aware that this plasma was as good as a trail of arrows for Foaly. She must ditch the craft as soon as possible and find somewhere to lay low until she could access some of her funds.
She cleared the shuttleport and made it nearly ten miles across country before her engines seized, utterly forcing her to ditch in a vineyard. When she clambered from the pod, Opal found a tall tanned woman of perhaps forty waiting for her with a shovel and a furious expression on her face.
‘These are my vines,“ said the woman in Italian. ”The vines are my life. Who are you to crash here in your little airplane and destroy everything I have?“
Opal thought fast. “Where is your family?” she asked. “Your husband?”
The woman blew a strand of hair from her eye.
‘No family. No husband. I work the vines alone. I’m the last in the line. These vines mean more to me than my life, and certainly more to me than yours.“
‘You’re not alone,“ said Opal, turning on the hypnotic fairy mesmer.
‘You have me now. I am your daughter Belinda.“
Why not? she reasoned. If it worked once…
‘Belinda,“ said the woman slowly. ”I have a daughter?“
‘That’s right,“ agreed Opal. ”Belinda. Remember? We work these vines together. I help make the wine.“
‘You help me?“
Opal scowled. Humans never got anything the first time.
‘Yes,“ she said, barely concealing her impatience. ”I help you. I work beside you.“
The woman’s eyes cleared suddenly. “Belinda. What are you doing standing there? Get a shovel and clean up this mess. When you finish here you must prepare dinner.“
Opal’s heart skipped a beat. Manual labor? Not likely. Other people did that sort of thing.
‘On second thought,“ she said, pushing the mesmer as hard as she could, ”I am your pampered daughter Belinda. You never allow me to do any work in case it roughens my hands. You’re saving me for a rich husband.“ That should take care of it. She would hide out with this woman for a few hours, and then escape to the city.
But a surprise was coming Opal’s way. “That’s my Belinda,” said the woman. “Always dreaming. Now take this shovel, girl, or you’ll go to bed hungry.”
Opal’s cheeks flushed red. “Didn’t you hear me, crone? I do not do physical work. You will serve me. That is your purpose in life.“Decorative wire mesh
The Italian lady advanced on her tiny daughter. “Now, listen here, Belinda. I’m trying not to hear these poisonous words coming out of your mouth, but it is difficult. We both work the vines; that is the way it has always been. Now, take the shovel, or I will lock you in your room with a hundred potatoes to peel and none to eat.”
Opal was dumbstruck. She could not understand what was happening. Even strong-minded humans were putty before the mesmer.
What was happening here?
The simple truth was that Opal had been too clever for her own good. By placing a human pituitary gland in her own skull, she had effectively humanized herself. Gradually the human growth hormone was overpowering the magic in her system. It was Opal’s bad fortune that she had used her last drop of magic to convince this woman that she was her daughter. Now she was without magic, and a virtual prisoner in the Italian lady’s vineyard. And what’s more, she was being forced to work, and that was even worse than being in a coma.
‘Hurry!“ shouted the woman. ”There is rain in the forecast, and we have a lot to do.“
Opal took the shovel, resting the blade on the dry earth. It was taller than she was, and its handle was pitted and worn.
‘What should I do with this shovel?“
‘Crack the earth with the blade, then dig an irrigation trench between these two frames. And after dinner, I need you to hand wash some of the laundry that I have taken in this week. It’s Carmine’s, and you know what his washing is like.“ The lady grimaced, leaving Opal in no doubt as to the state of this person Carmine’s clothing.
The Italian lady picked up a second shovel and began to dig beside Opal.
‘Don’t frown so, Belinda. Work is good for the character. After a few more years, you will see that.“
Opal swung the shovel, dealing the earth a pathetic blow that barely raised a sliver of clay.
Already her hands were sore from holding the tool. In an hour she would be a mass of aches and blisters.
Maybe the LEP would come and take her away.
Her wish was to be granted, but not until a week later, by which time her nails were cracked and brown, and her skin was rough with welts. She had peeled countless potatoes and waited on her new mother, hand and foot. Opal was also horrified to discover that her adopted parent kept pigs, and that cleaning out the sty was another one of her seemingly endless duties. By the time the LEP Retrieval team came for her, she was almost happy to see them.

E7, Haven City
Julius Root’s recycling ceremony was held the day after Artemis and Holly arrived in Haven City. All the brass turned up to the commitment ceremony. All the brass, but not Captain Holly Short. Commander Sool refused to allow her to attend the commitment, even under armed guard. The Tribunal investigating the case had not made its decision yet, and until it did, Holly was a suspect in a murder investigation.
So Holly sat in the executive lounge watching the commitment ceremony on the big screen. Of all the things Sool had done to her, this was the worst. Julius Root had been her closest friend, and here she was watching his recycling on a screen while all the higher-ups attended, looking sad for the cameras.
She covered her face with her hands when they lowered an empty casket into the ornate decomposition vat. After six months, his bone and tissue would have been completely broken down and his remains would be used to nourish the earth.
Tears leaked out between Holly’s fingers, flowing over her hands.
Artemis sat beside her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Julius would have been proud of you. Haven is here today because of what you did.“
Holly sniffed. “Maybe. Maybe if I had been a little smarter, Julius would be here today, too.”
‘Maybe, but I don’t think so. I have been thinking about it and there was no way out of that chute. Not without prior knowledge.“
Holly lowered her hands. “Thanks, Artemis. That’s a nice thing to say. You’re not going soft, are you?“
Artemis was genuinely puzzled. “I honestly don’t know. Half of me wants to be a criminal, and the other half wants to be a normal teenager. I feel like I have two conflicting personalities and a head full of memories that aren’t really mine yet. It’s a strange feeling, not to know who you are exactly.”
‘Don’t worry, Mud Boy,“ said Holly.
‘I’ll keep a close eye on you to make sure you stay on the straight and narrow.“
‘I have two parents and a bodyguard already trying to do that.“
‘Well then, maybe it’s time to let them.“
The lounge’s doors slid open, and Foaly clopped in excitedly, followed by Commander Sool and a couple of flunkies. Sool was obviously not as thrilled to be in the room as the centaur, and had brought the extra officers along just in case Butler got agitated.
Foaly grabbed Holly by the shoulders. “You’re clear.” He beamed. “The Tribunal voted seven to one in your favor.”Decorative wire mesh
Holly scowled at Sool. “Let me guess who was the ”one.“”
Sool bristled. “I am still your superior officer, Short. I want to see that reflected in your attitude. You may have escaped this charge, but I will be watching you like a hawk from now on.”
Mulch clicked his fingers in front of Foaly’s face. “Hey, ponyboy. Over here. What about me? Am I a free dwarf?”
‘Well, the Tribunal decided to go after you for the grand theft auto.“
‘What?“ spluttered Mulch. ”After I saved the entire city!“
‘But,“ continued Foaly, ”considering the time already served for an illegal search, they’re prepared to call it even. No medal, I’m sorry to say.“
Mulch slapped the centaur’s haunch. “You couldn’t just say that, could you, you had to draw it out.”
Holly had not stopped scowling at Sool.
‘Let me tell you what Julius told me shortly before he died,“ she said.
‘Please do,“ said Sool, his words dripping with sarcasm. ”I find everything you say fascinating.“
‘Julius told me, more or less, that my job was to serve the People, and that I should do that any way I could.“
‘Smart fairy. I do hope you intend to honor those words.“
Holly ripped the LEP badge from her shoulder.
‘I do. With you looking over my shoulder on every shift, I won’t be able to help anyone, so I’ve decided to go it alone.“ She tossed the badge on the table. ”I quit.“
Sool chuckled. “If this is a bluff it won’t work. I’ll be glad to see the back of you.”
‘Holly, don’t do this,“ pleaded Foaly. ”The force needs you. I need you.“
Holly patted his flank. “They accused me of murdering Julius. How can I stay? Don’t worry, old friend. I won’t be far away.” She nodded at Mulch. “Are you coming?”
‘What, me?“
Holly grinned. “You’re a free dwarf now, and every private detective needs a partner. Someone with underworld connections.”
Mulch’s chest swelled. “Mulch Diggums, private detective. I like that. Hey, I’m not a sidekick, am I? Because the sidekick always gets it.”
‘No. You’re a full-fledged partner. Whatever we make, we split.“
Holly turned to Artemis next.
‘We did it again, Mud Boy. We saved the world, or at least stopped two worlds colliding.“
Artemis nodded. “It doesn’t get any easier. Maybe someone else should take a turn.”
Holly punched him playfully in the arm. “Who else has our style?” Then she leaned in and whispered, “I’ll be in touch. Maybe you might be interested in some consultancy work?”
Artemis cocked one brow and gave a slight nod. It was all the answer she needed.
Butler usually stood to say good-bye, but in this instance, he had to make do with kneeling.
Holly was barely visible inside his hug.
‘Until the next crisis,“ she said.
‘Or maybe you could just visit,“ he replied.
‘Getting a visa will be more difficult now that I’m a civilian.“
‘You’re sure about this?“
Holly frowned. “No. I’m torn.” She nodded at Artemis. “But who isn’t?”
Artemis treated Sool to his most scornful gaze. “Congratulations, Commander, you have managed to alienate the LEP’S finest officer.”
‘Listen here, human,“ began Sool, but Butler growled and the words withered in the commander’s throat. The gnome stepped quickly behind the larger of his officers. ”Send them Home. Now.“
The officers drew their sidearms, aimed, and fired. A tranquilizer pellet stuck to Artemis’s neck, dissolving instantly. The officers hit Butler with four, not taking any chances.
Artemis could hear Holly protesting as his vision blurred like an Impressionist painting. Like The Fairy Thief.
‘There’s no need for that, Sool,“ she said, catching Artemis’s elbow. ”They’ve seen the chute already. You could have returned them conscious.“
Sool’s voice sounded as though he were speaking from the bottom of a well. “I’m not taking any chances, Captain, I mean, Miss Short. Humans are violent creatures by nature, especially when they are being transported.”
Artemis felt Holly’s hand on his chest. Under his jacket, she slipped something into his pocket.
But he couldn’t ask what, because his tongue would not obey him. All he could do with his mouth was breathe.Decorative wire mesh
He heard a thump behind him.
Butler ‘s gone, he concluded. Just me left.
And then he was gone too.
Fowl Manor Artemis came to gradually. He felt well and rested, and all his memories were in place. Then again, maybe they weren’t. How would he know?
He opened his eyes and saw the fresco on the ceiling above. He was back in his own room.
Artemis did not move for several moments. It wasn’t that he couldn’t move, it was just that lying here like this seemed utterly luxurious. There were no pixies after him, or trolls homing in on his scent, or fairy tribunals judging him. He could lie here and simply think. His favorite occupation.
Artemis Fowl had a big decision to make: which way would his life go from here? The decision was his.
He could not blame circumstances or peer pressure. He was his own person, and intelligent enough to realize it.
The solitary life of crime no longer appealed to him as completely as it had. He had no desire to create victims. Yet there was still something about the thrill of executing a brilliant plan that attracted him. Maybe there was a way to combine his criminal genius with his newfound morals.
Some people deserved to be stolen from. He could be like a modern-day Robin Hood: steal from the rich and give to the poor. Well, maybe just steal from the rich. One step at a time.
Something vibrated in his jacket pocket.
Artemis reached in and pulled out a fairy communicator. One of the pair they had planted in Opal Koboi’s shuttle. Artemis had a vague memory of Holly sliding something into his pocket just before he passed out. She obviously wanted to stay in touch.
Artemis stood, opening the device, and Holly’s smiling face appeared on the screen.
‘You got Home safely, then. Sorry about the sedatives. Sool is a pig.“
‘Forget about it. No harm done.“
‘You have changed. Once upon a time, Artemis Fowl would have vowed revenge.“
‘Once upon a time.“
Holly glanced around her. “Listen, I can’t stay on long. I had to bolt on a pirate booster to this thing just to get a signal. This call is costing me a fortune. I need a favor.”
Artemis groaned. “No one ever calls me just to say hello.”
‘Next time. I promise.“
‘I’ll hold you to it. What’s the favor?“
‘Mulch and I have our first client. He’s an art dealer who’s had a picture stolen. Frankly, I’m flummoxed, so I thought I’d ask an expert.“
Artemis smiled. “I suppose I do have some expertise in the area of stolen art. Tell me what happened.”
‘The thing is, there’s no way in or out of this exhibit without detection. The painting is just gone. Not even warlocks have that kind of magic.“
Artemis heard footsteps on the stairs.
‘Hang on a second, Holly. Someone’s coming.“
Butler burst in the door, pistol drawn. “I just woke up,” he said. “Are you all right?”
‘Fine,“ said Artemis. ”You can put that away.“
‘I was half hoping Sool was still here so I could scare him a little.“ Butler crossed to the window and pulled aside the net curtains. ”There’s a car coming up the avenue. It’s your parents back from the spa in Westmeath. We’d better get our stories straight. Why did we come Home from Germany ?“
Artemis thought quickly. “Let’s just say I felt Homesick. I missed being my parents’ son. That’s true enough.”
Butler smiled. “I like that excuse. I hope you won’t need to use it again.”
‘I don’t intend to.“
Butler held out a rolled-up canvas. “And what about this? Have you decided what you should do with it?”Decorative wire mesh
Artemis took The Fairy Thief and spread it on the bed before him. It really was beautiful. “Yes, old friend. I have decided to do what I should do. Now, can you stall my parents at the door; I need to take this call.”
Butler nodded, running down the stairs three at a time.
Artemis returned to the communicator. “Now, Holly, about your little problem. Have you considered the fact that the picture you seek may still be in the room, and our thief may have simply moved it?”
‘That’s the first thing I thought of. Come on, Artemis, you’re supposed to be a genius. Use your brain.“
Artemis scratched his chin. He was finding it difficult to concentrate. He heard tires crunching on the drive, and then his mother’s voice laughing as she climbed from the, car.
‘Arty?“ she called. ”Come down. We need to see you.“
‘Come down, Arty boy,“ shouted his father. ‘Welcome us Home.“
Artemis found that he was smiling. “Holly, can you call me back later? I’m busy right now.”
Holly tried to scowl. “Okay. Five hours, and you’d better have some suggestions for me too ”
‘Don’t worry, I will. And also my consultant’s bill.“
‘Some things never change,“ said Holly, and closed the link.Decorative wire mesh
Artemis quickly locked the communicator in his room safe, then ran to the stairs.
His mother was at the bottom of the steps, and her arms were open wide.