Decline and Fall(8)The sports

CHAPTER VIII The sports

HAPPILY enough, it did not rain next day, and after morning school everybody dressed up to the nines. Dr Fagan appeared in a pale grey morning coat and sponge-bag trousers, looking more than ever jeune premier; there was a spring in his step and a pronounced sprightliness of bearing that Paul had not observed before. Flossie wore a violet frock of knitted wool made for her during the preceding autumn by her sister. It was the colour of indelible ink on blotting paper, Decorative wire mesh,and was ornamented at the waist with flowers of emerald green and pink. Her hat, also Home made, was the outcome of many winter evenings of ungrudged labour. All the trimmings of all her previous hats had gone to its adornment. Dingy wore a little steel brooch made in the shape of a bull dog. Grimes wore a stiff evening collar of celluloid.
'Had to do something to celebrate the occasion,' he said, 'so I put on a "choker". Phew, though, it's tight. Have you seen my fiancée's latest creation? Ascot ain't in it. Let's get down to Mrs Roberts for a quick one before the happy throng rolls up.'
'I wish I could, but I've got to go round the ground with the Doctor.'
'Righto, old boy! See you later. Here comes Prendy in his coat of many colours.'
Mr Prendergast wore a blazer of faded stripes, which smelt strongly of camphor.
'I think Dr Fagan encourages a certain amount of display on these occasions,' he said. 'I used to keep wicket for my college, you know, but I was too short sighted to bc much good. Still, I am entitled to the blazer,' he said with a note of defiance in his voice, 'and it is more appropriate to a sporting occasion than a stiff collar.'
'Good old Prendy!' said Grimes. 'Nothing like a change of clothes to bring out latent pep. I felt like that my first week in khaki. Well, so long. Me for Mrs Roberts. Why don't you come too, Prendy?'
'D'you know,' said Mr Prendergast, 'I think I will.'
Paul watched them disappear down the drive in amazement. Then he went off to find the Doctor.
'Frankly,' said the Doctor, 'I am at a loss to understand my own emotions. I can think of no entertainment that fills me with greater detestation than a display of competitive athletics, none except possibly folk dancing. If there are two women in the world whose company I abominate and there are very many more than two - they are Mrs Beste Chetwynde and Lady Circumference. I have, moreover, Decorative wire mesh,had an extremely difficult encounter with my butler, who will you believe it? waited at luncheon in a mustard coloured suit of plus fours and a diamond tie pin, and when I reprimanded him, attempted to tell me some ridiculous story about his being the proprietor of a circus or swimming bath or some such concern. And yet,' said the Doctor, 'I am filled with a wholly delightful exhilaration. I can't understand it. It is not as though this was the first occasion of the kind. During the fourteen years that I have been at Llanabba there have been six sports days and two concerts, all of them, in one way or another, utterly disastrous. Once Lady Bunyan was taken ill; another time it was the matter of the press photographers and the obstacle race; another time some quite unimportant parents brought a dog with them which bit two of the boys very severely and one of the masters, who swore terribly in front of everyone. I could hardly blame him, but of course he had to go. Then there was the concert when the boys refused to sing "God Save the King" because of the pudding they had had for luncheon. One way and another, I have been consistently unfortunate in my efforts at festivity. And yet I look forward to each new fiasco with the utmost relish. Perhaps, Pennyfeather, you will bring luck to Llanabba; in fact, I feel confident you have already done so. Look at the sun!'
Picking their way carefully among the dry patches in the waterlogged drive, they reached the playing fields. Here the haphazard organization of the last twenty four hours seemed to have been fairly successful. A large marquee was already in position, and Philbrick still in plus fours and three gardeners were at work putting up a smaller tent.
'That's for the Llanabba Silver Band,' said the Doctor. 'Philbrick, I required you to take off those loathsome garments.'
'They were new when I bought them,' said Philbrick, 'and they cost eight pounds firteen. Anyhow, I can't do two things at once, can I? If I go back to change, who's going to manage all this, I'd like to know?'
'All right! Finish what you are doing first. Let us just review the arrangements. The marquee is for the visitors' tea. That is Diana's province. I expect we shall find her at work.'
Sure enough, there was Dingy helping two servants to arrange plates of highly coloured cakes down a trestle table. Two other servants in the background were cutting sandwiches. Dingy, too, was obviously enjoying herself.
'Jane, Emily, remember that that butter has to do for three loaves. Spread it thoroughly, but don't waste it, and cut the crusts as thin as possible. Father, will you see to it that the boys who come in with their parents come in alone? You remember last time how Briggs brought in four boys with him, Decorative wire mesh,and they ate all the jam sandwiches before Colonel Loder had had any. Mr Pennyfeather, the champagne cup is not for the masters. In fact, I expect you will find yourselves too much occupied helping the visitors to have any tea until they have left the tent. You had better tell Captain Grimes that, too. I am sure Mr Prendergast would not think of pushing himself forward.'
Outside the marquee were assembled several seats and tubs of palms and flowering shrubs. 'All this must be set in order,' said the Doctor; 'our guests may arrive in less than an hour.' He passed on. 'The cars shall turn aside from the drive here and come right into the ground. It will give a pleasant background to the photographs, and, Pennyfeather, if you would with tact direct the photographer so that more prominence was given to Mrs Beste Chetwynde's Hispano Suiza than to Lady Circumference's little motor car, I think it would be all to the good. All these things count, you know.'
'Nothing seems to have been done about marking out the ground,' said Paul.
'No,' said the Doctor, turning his attention to the field for the first time, 'nothing. Well, you must do the best you can. They can't do everything.'
'I wonder if any hurdles have come?'
'They were ordered,' said the Doctor. 'I am certain of it. Philbrick, have any hurdles come?'
'Yes,' said Philbrick with a low chuckle.
'Why, pray, do you laugh at the mention of hurdles?'
'Just you look at them!' said Philbrick. 'They're behind the tea house there.'
Paul and the Doctor went to look and found a pile of spiked iron railings in sections heaped up at the back of the marquee. They were each about five feet high and were painted green with gilt spikes.
'It seems to me that they have sent the wrong sort,' said the Doctor.
'Yes.'
'Well, we must do the best we can. What other things ought there to be?'
'Weight, harmner, javelin, long-jump pit, high-jump posts, low hurdles, eggs, spoons, and greasy pole,' said Philbrick.
'Previous!y competed for,' said the Doctor imperturbably. 'What else?'
'Somewhere to run,' suggested Paul.
'Why, God bless my soul, they've got the whole park! How did you manage yesterday for the heats?'
'We judged the distance by eye.'
'Then that is what we shall have to do to day. Really, my dear Pennyfeather Decorative wire mesh, it is quite unlike you to fabricate difficulties in this way. I am afraid you are getting unnerved. Let them go on racing until it is time for tea; and remember,' he added sagely, 'the longer the race the more time it takes. I leave the details to you. I am concerned with style. I wish, for instance, we had a starting pistol.'
'Would this be any use?' said Philbrick, producing an enormous service revolver. 'Only take care; it's loaded.'
'The very thing,' said the Doctor. 'Only fire into the ground, mind. We must do everything we can to avoid an accident. Do you always carry that about with you?'
'Only when I'm wearing my diamonds,' said Philbrick.
'Well, I hope that is not often. Good gracious! Who are these extraordinary looking people?'
Ten men of revolting appearance were approaching from the drive. They were low of brow, crafty of eye, and crooked of limb. They advanced huddled together with the loping tread of wolves, peering about them furtively as they came, as though in constant terror of ambush; they slavered at their mouths, which hung loosely over their receding chins, while each clutched under his apelike arm a burden of curious and unaccountable shape. On seeing the Doctor they halted and edged back, Decorative wire mesh,those behind squinting and moulting over their companions' shoulders.
'Crikey!' said Philbrick. 'Loonies! This is where I shoot.'
'I refuse to believe the evidence of my eyes,' said the Doctor. 'These creatures simply do not exist.'
After brief preliminary shuffling and nudging, an elderly man emerged from the back of the group. He had a rough black beard and wore on his uneven shoulders a druidical wreath of brass mistletoe berries.
'Why, it's my friend the stationmaster!' said Philbrick.
'We are the silver band the Lord bless and keep you,' said the stationmaster in one breath, 'the band that no one could beat whatever but two indeed in the Eisteddfod that for all North Wales was look you.'
'I see,' said the Doctor; 'I see. That's splendid. Well, will you please go into your tent, the little tent over there.'
'To march about you would not like us?' suggested the stationmaster; 'we have a fine yellow flag look you that embroidered for us was in silks.'
'No, no. Into the tent!'
The statiomnaster went back to consult with his fellow-musicians. There was a baying and growling and yapping as of the jungle at moonrise, and presently he came forward again with an obsequious, sidelong shuffle.
'Three pounds you pay us would you said indeed to at the sports play.'
'Yes, yes, that's right, three pounds. Into the tent!'
'Nothing whatever we can play without the money first,' said the stationmaster firmly.
'How would it be,' said Philbrick, 'if I gave him a clout on the ear?'
'No, no, I beg you to do nothing of the kind. You have not lived in Wales as long as I have.' He took a note case from his pocket, the sight of which seemed to galvanize the musicians into life; they crowded round, twitching and chattering. The Doctor took out three pound notes and gave them to the stationmaster. 'There you are, Davies!' he said. 'Now take your men into the tent. They are on no account to emerge until after tea; do you understand?'
The band slunk away, and Paul and the Doctor turned back towards the Castle.
'The Welsh character is an interesting study,' said Dr Fagan. 'I have often considered writing a little monograph on the subject, but I was afraid it might make me unpopular in the village. The ignorant speak of them as Celts, which is of course wholly erroneous. They are of pure Iberian stock the aboriginal inhabitants of Europe who survive only in Portugal and the Basque district. Celts readily intermarry with their neighbours and absorb them. From the earliest times the Welsh have been looked upon as an unclean people. It is thus that they have preserved their racial integrity. Their sons and daughters rarely mate with human-kind except their own blood relations. In Wales there was no need for legislation to prevent the conquering people intermarrying with the conquered. In Ireland that was necessary, for there intermarriage was a political matter. In Wales it was moral. I hope, by the way, Decorative wire mesh,you have no Welsh blood?'
'None whatever,' said Paul.
'I was sure you had not, but one cannot be too careful. I once spoke of this subject to the sixth form and learned later that one of them had a Welsh grandmother. I am afraid it hurt his feelings terribly, poor little chap. She came from Pembrokeshire, too, which is of course quite a different matter. I often think,' he continued, 'that we can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales. Think of Edward of Caernarvon, the first Prince of Wales, a perverse life, Pennyfeather, and an unseemly death, then the Tudors and the dissolution of the Church, then Lloyd George, the temperance movement, Noncomformity, and lust stalking hand in hand through the country, wasting and ravaging. But perhaps you think I exaggerate? I have a certain rhetorical tendency, I admit.'
'No, no,' said Paul.
'The Welsh,' said the Doctor, 'are the only nation in the world that has produced no graphic or plastic art, no architecture, no drama. They just sing,' he said with disgust, 'sing and blow down wind instruments of plated silver. They are deceitful because they cannot discern truth from falsehood, depraved because they cannot discern the consequences of their indulgence. Let us consider,' he continued, 'the etymological derivations of the Welsh language....'
But here he was interrupted by a breathless little boy who panted down the drive to meet them. 'Please, sir, Lord and Lady Circumference have arrived sir. They're in the library with Miss Florence. She asked me to tell you.'
'The sports will start in ten minutes,' said the Doctor. 'Run and tell the other boys to change and go at once to the playing fields. I will talk to you about the Welsh again. It is a matter to which I have given some thought, and I can see that you are sincerely interested. Come in with me and see the Circumferences.'Decorative wire mesh
Flossie was talking to them in the library.
'Yes, isn't it a sweet colour?' she was saying. 'I do like something bright myself. Diana made it for me; she does knit a treat, does Diana, but of course I chose the colour, you know, because, you see, Diana's taste is all for wishy-washy greys and browns. Mournful, you know. Well, here's the dad. Lady Circumference was just saying how much she likes my frock what you said was vulgar, so there!'
A stout elderly woman dressed in a tweed coat and skirt and jaunty Tyrolean hat advanced to the Doctor. 'Hullo!' she said in a deep bass voice, 'how are you? Sorry if we're late. Circumference ran over a fool of a boy. I've just been chaffing your daughter here about her frock. Wish I was young enough to wear that kind of thing. Older I get the more I like colour. We're both pretty long in the tooth, eh?' She gave Dr Fagan a hearty shake of the hand, that obviously caused him acute pain. Then she turned to Paul.
'So you're the Doctor's hired assassin, eh? Well, I hope you keep a firm hand on my toad of a son. How's he doin'?'
'Quite well,' said Paul.
'Nonsense!' said Lady Circumference. 'The boy's a dunderhead. If he wasn't he wouldn't be here. He wants beatin' and hittin' and knockin' about generally, and then he'll be no good. That grass is shockin' bad on the terrace, Doctor; you ought to sand it down and re sow it, but you'll have to take that cedar down if you ever want it to grow properly at the side. I hate cuttin' down a tree like losin' a tooth but you have to choose, tree or grass; you can't keep 'em both. What d'you pay your head man?'
As she was talking Lord Circumference emerged from the shadows and shook Paul's hand. He had a long fair moustache and large watery eyes which reminded Paul a little of Mr. Prendergast.
'How do you do?' he said.
'How do you do?' said Paul.
'Fond of sport, eh?' he said. 'I mean these sort of sports?'
'Oh, yes,' said Paul. 'I think they're so good for the boys.'
'Do you? Do you think that,' said Lord Circumference very earnestly: 'you think they're good for the boys?'
'Yes,' said Paul; 'don't you?'
'Me? Yes, oh yes. I think so, too. Very good for the boys.'
'So useful in the case of a war or anything,' said Paul.
'Do you think so? D'you really and truly think so? That there's going to be another war, I mean?'
'Yes, I'm sure of it; aren't you?'
'Yes, of course. I'm sure of it too. And that awful bread, and people coming on to one's own land and telling one what one's to do with one's own butter and milk, and commandeering one's horses! Oh, yes all over again! My wife shot her hunters rather than let them go to the army. And girls in breeches on all the farms! All over again! Who do you think it will be this time?'
'The Americans,' said Paul stoutly.
'No, indeed, I hope not. We had German prisoners on two of the farms. That wasn't so bad, but if they start putting Americans on my land, I'll just refilse to stand it. My daughter brought an American down to luncheon the other day, and, do you know...?'
'Dig it and dung it,' said Lady Circumference. 'Only it's got to be dug deep, mind. Now how did your calceolarias do last year?'
'I really have no idea,' said the Doctor. 'Flossie, how did our calceolarias do?'
'Lovely,' said Flossie.
'I don't believe a word of it,' said Lady Circumference. 'Nobody's calceolarias did well last year.'
'Shall we adjourn to the playing fields?' said the Doctor. 'I expect they are all waiting for us.'
Talking cheerfully, the party crossed the hall and went down the steps.
'Your drive's awful wet,' said Lady Circumference. 'I expect there's a blocked pipe somewhere. Sure it ain't sewage?'
'I was never any use at short distances,' Lord Circumference was saying. 'I was always a slow starter, but I was once eighteenth in the Crick at Rugby. We didn't take sports so seriously at the 'Varsity when I was up: everybody rode. What college were you at?'
'Scone.'
'Scone, were you? Ever come across a young nephew of my wife's called Alastair Digby-Vane-Trumpington?'
'I just met him,' said Paul.
'That's very interesting, Greta. Mr Pennyfoot knows Alastair.'
'Does he? Well, that boy's doing no good for himself. Got fined twenty pounds the other day, his mother told me. Seemed proud of it. If my brother had been alive he'd have licked all that out of the young cub. It takes a man to bring up a man.'
'Yes,' said Lord Circumference meekly.Decorative wire mesh
'Who else do you know at Oxford? Do you know Freddy French Wise?'
'No.'
'Or Tom Obblethwaite or that youngest Castleton boy?'
'No, I'm afraid not. I had a great friend called Potts.'
'Potts!' said Lady Circumference, and left it at that.
All the school and several local visitors were assembled in the field. Grimes stood by himself, looking depressed. Mr Prendergast, flushed and unusually vivacious, was talking to the Vicar. As the headmaster's party came into sight the Llanabba Silver Band struck up Men of Harlech.
'Shockin' noise,' commented Lady Circumference graciously.
The head prefect came forward and presented her with a programme, be ribboned and embossed in gold. Another prefect set a chair for her. She sat down with the Doctor next to her and Lord Circumference on the other side of him.
'Pennyfeather,' cried the Doctor above the band, 'start them racing.'
Philbrick gave Paul a megaphone. 'I found this in the pavilion,' he said. 'I thought it might be useful.'
'Who's that extraordinary man?' asked Lady Circumference.
'He is the boxing coach and swimming professional,' said the Doctor. 'A finely developed figure, don't you think?'
'First race,' said Paul through the megaphone, 'under sixteen. Quarter mile!' He read out Grimes's list of starters.
'What's Tangent doin' in this race?' said Lady Circumference. 'The boy can't run an inch.'
The silver band stopped playing.
'The course,' said Paul, 'starts from the pavilion, goes round that clump of elms...'
'Beeches,' corrected Lady Circumference loudly.
'... and ends in front of the bandstand. Starter, Mr Prendergast; timekeeper, Captain Grimes.'
'I shall say, "Are you ready? one, two, three!" and then fire,' said Mr Prendergast. 'Are you ready? One' -
there was a terrific report. 'Oh dear! I'm sorry' but the race had begun. Clearly Tangent was not going to win; he was sitting on the grass crying because he had been wounded in the foot by Mr Prendergast's bullet. Philbrick carried him, wailing dismally, into the refreshment tent, where Dingy helped him off with his shoe. His heel was slightly grazed. Dingy gave him a large slice of cake, and he hobbled out surrounded by a sympathetic crowd Decorative wire mesh.
'That won't hurt him,' said Lady Circumference, 'but I think someone ought to remove the pistol from that old man before he does anything serious.'
'I knew that was going to happen,' said Lord Circumference.
'A most unfortunate beginning,' said the Doctor.
'Am I going to die?' said Tangent, his mouth full of cake.
'For God's sake, look after Prendy,' said Grimes in Paul's ear. 'The man's as tight as a lord, and on one whisky, too.'
'First blood to me!' said Mr Prendergast gleefully.
'The last race will be run again,' said Paul down the megaphone. 'Starter, Mr Philbrick; timekeeper, Mr Prendergast.'
'On your marks! Get set.' Bang went the pistol, this time without disaster. The six little boys scampered off through the mud, disappeared behind the beeches and returned rather more slowly. Captain Grimes and Mr Prendergast held up a piece of tape.
'Well run, sirl' shouted Colonel Sidebotham. 'Jolly good race.'
'Capital,' said Mr Prendergast, and dropping his end of the tape, he sauntered over to the Colonel. 'I can see you are a fine judge of a race, sir. So was I once. So's Grimes. A capital fellow, Grimes; a bounder, you know, but a capital fellow. Bounders can be capital fellows; don't you agree, Colonel Slidebottom? In fact, I'd go further and say that capital fellows are bounders. What d'you say to that? I wish you'd stop pulling at my arm, Pennyfeather. Colonel Shybottom and I are just having a most interesting conversation about bounders.'
The silver band struck up again, and Mr Prendergast began a little jig, saying: 'Capital fellow!' and snapping his fingers. Paul led him to the refreshment tent.
'Dingy wants you to help her in there,' he said firmly, 'and, for God's sake, don't come out until you feel better.'
'I never felt better in my life,' said Mr Prendergast indignantly. 'Capital fellow! capital fellow!'
'It is not my affair, of course,' said Colonel Sidebotham, 'but if you ask me I should say that man had been drinking.'
'He was talking very excitedly to me,' said the Vicar, 'about some apparatus for warming a church in Worthing and about the Apostolic Claims of the Church of Abyssinia. I confess I could not follow him clearly. He seems deeply interested in Church matters. Are you quite sure he is right in the head? I have noticed again and again since I have been in the Church that lay interest in ecclesiastical matters is often a prelude to insanity.'
'Drink, pure and simple,' said the Colonel. 'I wonder where he got it? I could do with a spot of whisky.'
'Quarter mile open!' said Paul through his megaphone.
Presently the Clutterbucks arrived. Both the parents were stout. They brought with them two small children, a governess, and an elder son. They debouched from the car one by one, stretching their limbs in evident relief.
'This is Sam,' said Mr Clutterbuck, 'just down from Cambridge. He's joined me in the Business, and we've brought the nippers along for a treat. Don't mind, do you, Doc? And last, but not least, my wife.'
Dr Fagan greeted them with genial condescension and found them seats.
'I am afraid you have missed all the jumping events,' he said. 'But I have a list of the results here. You will see that Percy has done extremely well.'
'Didn't know the little beggar had it in him. See that, Martha? Percy's won the high-jump and the long-jump and the hurdles. How's your young hopeful been doing, Lady Circumference?'
'My boy has been injured in the foot,' said Lady Circumference coldly.
'Dear me! Not badly, I hope? Did he twist his ankle in the jumping?'
'No,' said Lady Circumference, 'he was shot at by one of the assistant masters. But it is kind of you to inquire.'
'Three Miles Open!' announced Paul. 'The course of six laps will be run as before.'
'On your marks! Get set.' Bang went Philbrick's revolver. Off trotted the boys on another race.
'Father,' said Flossie, 'don't you think it's time for the tea interval?'
'Nothing can be done before Mrs Beste Chetwynde arrives,' said the Doctor.
Round and round the muddy track trotted the athletes while the silver band played sacred music unceasingly.
'Last lap!' announced Paul.
The school and the visitors crowded about the tape to cheer the winner. Amid loud applause Clutterbuck breasted the tape well ahead of the others.
'Well run! Oh, good, jolly good, sir!' cried Colonel Sidebotham.
'Good old Percy! That's the stuff,' said Mr Clutterbuck.
'Well run, Percy!' chorused the two little Clutterbucks, prompted by their governess.
'That boy cheated,' said Lady Circumference. 'He only went round five times. I counted.'
'I think unpleasantness so mars the afternoon,' said the Vicar.
'How dare you suggest such a thing?' asked Mrs Clutterbuck. 'I appeal to the referee. Percy ran the full course, didn't he?'
'Clutterbuck wins,' said Captain Grimes.
'Fiddlesticks!' said Lady Circumference. 'He deliberately lagged behind and joined the others as they went behind the beeches. The little toad!'
'Really, Greta,' said Lord Circumference, 'I think we ought to abide by the referee's decision.'
'Well, they can't expect me to give away the prizes, then. Nothing would induce me to give that boy a prize.'
'Do you understand, madam, that you are bringing a serious accusation against my son's honour?'
'Serious accusation fiddlesticks! What he wants is a jolly good hidin'.'
'No doubt you judge other people's sons by your own. Let me tell you, Lady Circumference...'
'Don't attempt to browbeat me, sir. I know a cheat when I see one.'
At this stage of the discussion the Doctor left Mrs Hope Brown's side, where he had been remarking upon her son's progress in geometry, and joined the group round the winning post.
'If there is a disputed decision,' he said genially, 'they shall race again.'
'Percy has won already,' said Mr Clutterbuck. 'He has been adjudged the winner.'
'Splendid! splendid! A promising little athlete. I congratulate you, Clutterbuck.'
'But he only ran five laps,' said Lady Circumference.
'Then clearly he has won the five furlongs race, a very exacting length Decorative wire mesh.'
'But the other boys,' said Lady Circumference, almost beside herself with rage, 'have run six lengths.'
'Then they,' said the Doctor imperturbably, 'are first, second, third, fourth, and fifth respectively in the Three Miles. Clearly there has been some confusion. Diana, I think we might now serve tea.'
Things were not easy, but there was fortunately a distraction, for as he spoke an enormous limousine of dove-grey and silver stole soundlessly on to the field.
'But what could be more opportune? Here is Mrs Beste Chetwynde.'
Three light skips brought him to the side of the car, but the footman was there before him. The door opened, and from the cushions within emerged a tall young man in a clinging dove grey overcoat. After him, like the first breath of spring in the Champs Élysées, came Mrs BesteChetwynde two lizard skin feet, silk legs, chinchilla body, a tight little black hat, pinned with platinum and diamonds, and the high invariable voice that may be heard in any Ritz Hotel from New York to Budapest.
'I hope you don't mind my bringing Chokey, Dr Fagan?' she said. 'He's just crazy about sport.'
'I sure am that,' said Chokey.
'Dear Mrs Beste Chetwynde!' said Dr Fagan; 'dear, dear, Mrs Beste Chetwynde!' He pressed her glove, and for the moment was at a loss for words of welcome, for 'Chokey', though graceful of bearing and irreproachably dressed, was a Negro.Decorative wire mesh