Decline and Fall(8)The sports

CHAPTER VIII The sports

HAPPILY enough, it did not rain next day, and after morning school everybody dressed up to the nines. Dr Fagan appeared in a pale grey morning coat and sponge-bag trousers, looking more than ever jeune premier; there was a spring in his step and a pronounced sprightliness of bearing that Paul had not observed before. Flossie wore a violet frock of knitted wool made for her during the preceding autumn by her sister. It was the colour of indelible ink on blotting paper, Decorative wire mesh,and was ornamented at the waist with flowers of emerald green and pink. Her hat, also Home made, was the outcome of many winter evenings of ungrudged labour. All the trimmings of all her previous hats had gone to its adornment. Dingy wore a little steel brooch made in the shape of a bull dog. Grimes wore a stiff evening collar of celluloid.
'Had to do something to celebrate the occasion,' he said, 'so I put on a "choker". Phew, though, it's tight. Have you seen my fiancée's latest creation? Ascot ain't in it. Let's get down to Mrs Roberts for a quick one before the happy throng rolls up.'
'I wish I could, but I've got to go round the ground with the Doctor.'
'Righto, old boy! See you later. Here comes Prendy in his coat of many colours.'
Mr Prendergast wore a blazer of faded stripes, which smelt strongly of camphor.
'I think Dr Fagan encourages a certain amount of display on these occasions,' he said. 'I used to keep wicket for my college, you know, but I was too short sighted to bc much good. Still, I am entitled to the blazer,' he said with a note of defiance in his voice, 'and it is more appropriate to a sporting occasion than a stiff collar.'
'Good old Prendy!' said Grimes. 'Nothing like a change of clothes to bring out latent pep. I felt like that my first week in khaki. Well, so long. Me for Mrs Roberts. Why don't you come too, Prendy?'
'D'you know,' said Mr Prendergast, 'I think I will.'
Paul watched them disappear down the drive in amazement. Then he went off to find the Doctor.
'Frankly,' said the Doctor, 'I am at a loss to understand my own emotions. I can think of no entertainment that fills me with greater detestation than a display of competitive athletics, none except possibly folk dancing. If there are two women in the world whose company I abominate and there are very many more than two - they are Mrs Beste Chetwynde and Lady Circumference. I have, moreover, Decorative wire mesh,had an extremely difficult encounter with my butler, who will you believe it? waited at luncheon in a mustard coloured suit of plus fours and a diamond tie pin, and when I reprimanded him, attempted to tell me some ridiculous story about his being the proprietor of a circus or swimming bath or some such concern. And yet,' said the Doctor, 'I am filled with a wholly delightful exhilaration. I can't understand it. It is not as though this was the first occasion of the kind. During the fourteen years that I have been at Llanabba there have been six sports days and two concerts, all of them, in one way or another, utterly disastrous. Once Lady Bunyan was taken ill; another time it was the matter of the press photographers and the obstacle race; another time some quite unimportant parents brought a dog with them which bit two of the boys very severely and one of the masters, who swore terribly in front of everyone. I could hardly blame him, but of course he had to go. Then there was the concert when the boys refused to sing "God Save the King" because of the pudding they had had for luncheon. One way and another, I have been consistently unfortunate in my efforts at festivity. And yet I look forward to each new fiasco with the utmost relish. Perhaps, Pennyfeather, you will bring luck to Llanabba; in fact, I feel confident you have already done so. Look at the sun!'
Picking their way carefully among the dry patches in the waterlogged drive, they reached the playing fields. Here the haphazard organization of the last twenty four hours seemed to have been fairly successful. A large marquee was already in position, and Philbrick still in plus fours and three gardeners were at work putting up a smaller tent.
'That's for the Llanabba Silver Band,' said the Doctor. 'Philbrick, I required you to take off those loathsome garments.'
'They were new when I bought them,' said Philbrick, 'and they cost eight pounds firteen. Anyhow, I can't do two things at once, can I? If I go back to change, who's going to manage all this, I'd like to know?'
'All right! Finish what you are doing first. Let us just review the arrangements. The marquee is for the visitors' tea. That is Diana's province. I expect we shall find her at work.'
Sure enough, there was Dingy helping two servants to arrange plates of highly coloured cakes down a trestle table. Two other servants in the background were cutting sandwiches. Dingy, too, was obviously enjoying herself.
'Jane, Emily, remember that that butter has to do for three loaves. Spread it thoroughly, but don't waste it, and cut the crusts as thin as possible. Father, will you see to it that the boys who come in with their parents come in alone? You remember last time how Briggs brought in four boys with him, Decorative wire mesh,and they ate all the jam sandwiches before Colonel Loder had had any. Mr Pennyfeather, the champagne cup is not for the masters. In fact, I expect you will find yourselves too much occupied helping the visitors to have any tea until they have left the tent. You had better tell Captain Grimes that, too. I am sure Mr Prendergast would not think of pushing himself forward.'
Outside the marquee were assembled several seats and tubs of palms and flowering shrubs. 'All this must be set in order,' said the Doctor; 'our guests may arrive in less than an hour.' He passed on. 'The cars shall turn aside from the drive here and come right into the ground. It will give a pleasant background to the photographs, and, Pennyfeather, if you would with tact direct the photographer so that more prominence was given to Mrs Beste Chetwynde's Hispano Suiza than to Lady Circumference's little motor car, I think it would be all to the good. All these things count, you know.'
'Nothing seems to have been done about marking out the ground,' said Paul.
'No,' said the Doctor, turning his attention to the field for the first time, 'nothing. Well, you must do the best you can. They can't do everything.'
'I wonder if any hurdles have come?'
'They were ordered,' said the Doctor. 'I am certain of it. Philbrick, have any hurdles come?'
'Yes,' said Philbrick with a low chuckle.
'Why, pray, do you laugh at the mention of hurdles?'
'Just you look at them!' said Philbrick. 'They're behind the tea house there.'
Paul and the Doctor went to look and found a pile of spiked iron railings in sections heaped up at the back of the marquee. They were each about five feet high and were painted green with gilt spikes.
'It seems to me that they have sent the wrong sort,' said the Doctor.
'Yes.'
'Well, we must do the best we can. What other things ought there to be?'
'Weight, harmner, javelin, long-jump pit, high-jump posts, low hurdles, eggs, spoons, and greasy pole,' said Philbrick.
'Previous!y competed for,' said the Doctor imperturbably. 'What else?'
'Somewhere to run,' suggested Paul.
'Why, God bless my soul, they've got the whole park! How did you manage yesterday for the heats?'
'We judged the distance by eye.'
'Then that is what we shall have to do to day. Really, my dear Pennyfeather Decorative wire mesh, it is quite unlike you to fabricate difficulties in this way. I am afraid you are getting unnerved. Let them go on racing until it is time for tea; and remember,' he added sagely, 'the longer the race the more time it takes. I leave the details to you. I am concerned with style. I wish, for instance, we had a starting pistol.'
'Would this be any use?' said Philbrick, producing an enormous service revolver. 'Only take care; it's loaded.'
'The very thing,' said the Doctor. 'Only fire into the ground, mind. We must do everything we can to avoid an accident. Do you always carry that about with you?'
'Only when I'm wearing my diamonds,' said Philbrick.
'Well, I hope that is not often. Good gracious! Who are these extraordinary looking people?'
Ten men of revolting appearance were approaching from the drive. They were low of brow, crafty of eye, and crooked of limb. They advanced huddled together with the loping tread of wolves, peering about them furtively as they came, as though in constant terror of ambush; they slavered at their mouths, which hung loosely over their receding chins, while each clutched under his apelike arm a burden of curious and unaccountable shape. On seeing the Doctor they halted and edged back, Decorative wire mesh,those behind squinting and moulting over their companions' shoulders.
'Crikey!' said Philbrick. 'Loonies! This is where I shoot.'
'I refuse to believe the evidence of my eyes,' said the Doctor. 'These creatures simply do not exist.'
After brief preliminary shuffling and nudging, an elderly man emerged from the back of the group. He had a rough black beard and wore on his uneven shoulders a druidical wreath of brass mistletoe berries.
'Why, it's my friend the stationmaster!' said Philbrick.
'We are the silver band the Lord bless and keep you,' said the stationmaster in one breath, 'the band that no one could beat whatever but two indeed in the Eisteddfod that for all North Wales was look you.'
'I see,' said the Doctor; 'I see. That's splendid. Well, will you please go into your tent, the little tent over there.'
'To march about you would not like us?' suggested the stationmaster; 'we have a fine yellow flag look you that embroidered for us was in silks.'
'No, no. Into the tent!'
The statiomnaster went back to consult with his fellow-musicians. There was a baying and growling and yapping as of the jungle at moonrise, and presently he came forward again with an obsequious, sidelong shuffle.
'Three pounds you pay us would you said indeed to at the sports play.'
'Yes, yes, that's right, three pounds. Into the tent!'
'Nothing whatever we can play without the money first,' said the stationmaster firmly.
'How would it be,' said Philbrick, 'if I gave him a clout on the ear?'
'No, no, I beg you to do nothing of the kind. You have not lived in Wales as long as I have.' He took a note case from his pocket, the sight of which seemed to galvanize the musicians into life; they crowded round, twitching and chattering. The Doctor took out three pound notes and gave them to the stationmaster. 'There you are, Davies!' he said. 'Now take your men into the tent. They are on no account to emerge until after tea; do you understand?'
The band slunk away, and Paul and the Doctor turned back towards the Castle.
'The Welsh character is an interesting study,' said Dr Fagan. 'I have often considered writing a little monograph on the subject, but I was afraid it might make me unpopular in the village. The ignorant speak of them as Celts, which is of course wholly erroneous. They are of pure Iberian stock the aboriginal inhabitants of Europe who survive only in Portugal and the Basque district. Celts readily intermarry with their neighbours and absorb them. From the earliest times the Welsh have been looked upon as an unclean people. It is thus that they have preserved their racial integrity. Their sons and daughters rarely mate with human-kind except their own blood relations. In Wales there was no need for legislation to prevent the conquering people intermarrying with the conquered. In Ireland that was necessary, for there intermarriage was a political matter. In Wales it was moral. I hope, by the way, Decorative wire mesh,you have no Welsh blood?'
'None whatever,' said Paul.
'I was sure you had not, but one cannot be too careful. I once spoke of this subject to the sixth form and learned later that one of them had a Welsh grandmother. I am afraid it hurt his feelings terribly, poor little chap. She came from Pembrokeshire, too, which is of course quite a different matter. I often think,' he continued, 'that we can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales. Think of Edward of Caernarvon, the first Prince of Wales, a perverse life, Pennyfeather, and an unseemly death, then the Tudors and the dissolution of the Church, then Lloyd George, the temperance movement, Noncomformity, and lust stalking hand in hand through the country, wasting and ravaging. But perhaps you think I exaggerate? I have a certain rhetorical tendency, I admit.'
'No, no,' said Paul.
'The Welsh,' said the Doctor, 'are the only nation in the world that has produced no graphic or plastic art, no architecture, no drama. They just sing,' he said with disgust, 'sing and blow down wind instruments of plated silver. They are deceitful because they cannot discern truth from falsehood, depraved because they cannot discern the consequences of their indulgence. Let us consider,' he continued, 'the etymological derivations of the Welsh language....'
But here he was interrupted by a breathless little boy who panted down the drive to meet them. 'Please, sir, Lord and Lady Circumference have arrived sir. They're in the library with Miss Florence. She asked me to tell you.'
'The sports will start in ten minutes,' said the Doctor. 'Run and tell the other boys to change and go at once to the playing fields. I will talk to you about the Welsh again. It is a matter to which I have given some thought, and I can see that you are sincerely interested. Come in with me and see the Circumferences.'Decorative wire mesh
Flossie was talking to them in the library.
'Yes, isn't it a sweet colour?' she was saying. 'I do like something bright myself. Diana made it for me; she does knit a treat, does Diana, but of course I chose the colour, you know, because, you see, Diana's taste is all for wishy-washy greys and browns. Mournful, you know. Well, here's the dad. Lady Circumference was just saying how much she likes my frock what you said was vulgar, so there!'
A stout elderly woman dressed in a tweed coat and skirt and jaunty Tyrolean hat advanced to the Doctor. 'Hullo!' she said in a deep bass voice, 'how are you? Sorry if we're late. Circumference ran over a fool of a boy. I've just been chaffing your daughter here about her frock. Wish I was young enough to wear that kind of thing. Older I get the more I like colour. We're both pretty long in the tooth, eh?' She gave Dr Fagan a hearty shake of the hand, that obviously caused him acute pain. Then she turned to Paul.
'So you're the Doctor's hired assassin, eh? Well, I hope you keep a firm hand on my toad of a son. How's he doin'?'
'Quite well,' said Paul.
'Nonsense!' said Lady Circumference. 'The boy's a dunderhead. If he wasn't he wouldn't be here. He wants beatin' and hittin' and knockin' about generally, and then he'll be no good. That grass is shockin' bad on the terrace, Doctor; you ought to sand it down and re sow it, but you'll have to take that cedar down if you ever want it to grow properly at the side. I hate cuttin' down a tree like losin' a tooth but you have to choose, tree or grass; you can't keep 'em both. What d'you pay your head man?'
As she was talking Lord Circumference emerged from the shadows and shook Paul's hand. He had a long fair moustache and large watery eyes which reminded Paul a little of Mr. Prendergast.
'How do you do?' he said.
'How do you do?' said Paul.
'Fond of sport, eh?' he said. 'I mean these sort of sports?'
'Oh, yes,' said Paul. 'I think they're so good for the boys.'
'Do you? Do you think that,' said Lord Circumference very earnestly: 'you think they're good for the boys?'
'Yes,' said Paul; 'don't you?'
'Me? Yes, oh yes. I think so, too. Very good for the boys.'
'So useful in the case of a war or anything,' said Paul.
'Do you think so? D'you really and truly think so? That there's going to be another war, I mean?'
'Yes, I'm sure of it; aren't you?'
'Yes, of course. I'm sure of it too. And that awful bread, and people coming on to one's own land and telling one what one's to do with one's own butter and milk, and commandeering one's horses! Oh, yes all over again! My wife shot her hunters rather than let them go to the army. And girls in breeches on all the farms! All over again! Who do you think it will be this time?'
'The Americans,' said Paul stoutly.
'No, indeed, I hope not. We had German prisoners on two of the farms. That wasn't so bad, but if they start putting Americans on my land, I'll just refilse to stand it. My daughter brought an American down to luncheon the other day, and, do you know...?'
'Dig it and dung it,' said Lady Circumference. 'Only it's got to be dug deep, mind. Now how did your calceolarias do last year?'
'I really have no idea,' said the Doctor. 'Flossie, how did our calceolarias do?'
'Lovely,' said Flossie.
'I don't believe a word of it,' said Lady Circumference. 'Nobody's calceolarias did well last year.'
'Shall we adjourn to the playing fields?' said the Doctor. 'I expect they are all waiting for us.'
Talking cheerfully, the party crossed the hall and went down the steps.
'Your drive's awful wet,' said Lady Circumference. 'I expect there's a blocked pipe somewhere. Sure it ain't sewage?'
'I was never any use at short distances,' Lord Circumference was saying. 'I was always a slow starter, but I was once eighteenth in the Crick at Rugby. We didn't take sports so seriously at the 'Varsity when I was up: everybody rode. What college were you at?'
'Scone.'
'Scone, were you? Ever come across a young nephew of my wife's called Alastair Digby-Vane-Trumpington?'
'I just met him,' said Paul.
'That's very interesting, Greta. Mr Pennyfoot knows Alastair.'
'Does he? Well, that boy's doing no good for himself. Got fined twenty pounds the other day, his mother told me. Seemed proud of it. If my brother had been alive he'd have licked all that out of the young cub. It takes a man to bring up a man.'
'Yes,' said Lord Circumference meekly.Decorative wire mesh
'Who else do you know at Oxford? Do you know Freddy French Wise?'
'No.'
'Or Tom Obblethwaite or that youngest Castleton boy?'
'No, I'm afraid not. I had a great friend called Potts.'
'Potts!' said Lady Circumference, and left it at that.
All the school and several local visitors were assembled in the field. Grimes stood by himself, looking depressed. Mr Prendergast, flushed and unusually vivacious, was talking to the Vicar. As the headmaster's party came into sight the Llanabba Silver Band struck up Men of Harlech.
'Shockin' noise,' commented Lady Circumference graciously.
The head prefect came forward and presented her with a programme, be ribboned and embossed in gold. Another prefect set a chair for her. She sat down with the Doctor next to her and Lord Circumference on the other side of him.
'Pennyfeather,' cried the Doctor above the band, 'start them racing.'
Philbrick gave Paul a megaphone. 'I found this in the pavilion,' he said. 'I thought it might be useful.'
'Who's that extraordinary man?' asked Lady Circumference.
'He is the boxing coach and swimming professional,' said the Doctor. 'A finely developed figure, don't you think?'
'First race,' said Paul through the megaphone, 'under sixteen. Quarter mile!' He read out Grimes's list of starters.
'What's Tangent doin' in this race?' said Lady Circumference. 'The boy can't run an inch.'
The silver band stopped playing.
'The course,' said Paul, 'starts from the pavilion, goes round that clump of elms...'
'Beeches,' corrected Lady Circumference loudly.
'... and ends in front of the bandstand. Starter, Mr Prendergast; timekeeper, Captain Grimes.'
'I shall say, "Are you ready? one, two, three!" and then fire,' said Mr Prendergast. 'Are you ready? One' -
there was a terrific report. 'Oh dear! I'm sorry' but the race had begun. Clearly Tangent was not going to win; he was sitting on the grass crying because he had been wounded in the foot by Mr Prendergast's bullet. Philbrick carried him, wailing dismally, into the refreshment tent, where Dingy helped him off with his shoe. His heel was slightly grazed. Dingy gave him a large slice of cake, and he hobbled out surrounded by a sympathetic crowd Decorative wire mesh.
'That won't hurt him,' said Lady Circumference, 'but I think someone ought to remove the pistol from that old man before he does anything serious.'
'I knew that was going to happen,' said Lord Circumference.
'A most unfortunate beginning,' said the Doctor.
'Am I going to die?' said Tangent, his mouth full of cake.
'For God's sake, look after Prendy,' said Grimes in Paul's ear. 'The man's as tight as a lord, and on one whisky, too.'
'First blood to me!' said Mr Prendergast gleefully.
'The last race will be run again,' said Paul down the megaphone. 'Starter, Mr Philbrick; timekeeper, Mr Prendergast.'
'On your marks! Get set.' Bang went the pistol, this time without disaster. The six little boys scampered off through the mud, disappeared behind the beeches and returned rather more slowly. Captain Grimes and Mr Prendergast held up a piece of tape.
'Well run, sirl' shouted Colonel Sidebotham. 'Jolly good race.'
'Capital,' said Mr Prendergast, and dropping his end of the tape, he sauntered over to the Colonel. 'I can see you are a fine judge of a race, sir. So was I once. So's Grimes. A capital fellow, Grimes; a bounder, you know, but a capital fellow. Bounders can be capital fellows; don't you agree, Colonel Slidebottom? In fact, I'd go further and say that capital fellows are bounders. What d'you say to that? I wish you'd stop pulling at my arm, Pennyfeather. Colonel Shybottom and I are just having a most interesting conversation about bounders.'
The silver band struck up again, and Mr Prendergast began a little jig, saying: 'Capital fellow!' and snapping his fingers. Paul led him to the refreshment tent.
'Dingy wants you to help her in there,' he said firmly, 'and, for God's sake, don't come out until you feel better.'
'I never felt better in my life,' said Mr Prendergast indignantly. 'Capital fellow! capital fellow!'
'It is not my affair, of course,' said Colonel Sidebotham, 'but if you ask me I should say that man had been drinking.'
'He was talking very excitedly to me,' said the Vicar, 'about some apparatus for warming a church in Worthing and about the Apostolic Claims of the Church of Abyssinia. I confess I could not follow him clearly. He seems deeply interested in Church matters. Are you quite sure he is right in the head? I have noticed again and again since I have been in the Church that lay interest in ecclesiastical matters is often a prelude to insanity.'
'Drink, pure and simple,' said the Colonel. 'I wonder where he got it? I could do with a spot of whisky.'
'Quarter mile open!' said Paul through his megaphone.
Presently the Clutterbucks arrived. Both the parents were stout. They brought with them two small children, a governess, and an elder son. They debouched from the car one by one, stretching their limbs in evident relief.
'This is Sam,' said Mr Clutterbuck, 'just down from Cambridge. He's joined me in the Business, and we've brought the nippers along for a treat. Don't mind, do you, Doc? And last, but not least, my wife.'
Dr Fagan greeted them with genial condescension and found them seats.
'I am afraid you have missed all the jumping events,' he said. 'But I have a list of the results here. You will see that Percy has done extremely well.'
'Didn't know the little beggar had it in him. See that, Martha? Percy's won the high-jump and the long-jump and the hurdles. How's your young hopeful been doing, Lady Circumference?'
'My boy has been injured in the foot,' said Lady Circumference coldly.
'Dear me! Not badly, I hope? Did he twist his ankle in the jumping?'
'No,' said Lady Circumference, 'he was shot at by one of the assistant masters. But it is kind of you to inquire.'
'Three Miles Open!' announced Paul. 'The course of six laps will be run as before.'
'On your marks! Get set.' Bang went Philbrick's revolver. Off trotted the boys on another race.
'Father,' said Flossie, 'don't you think it's time for the tea interval?'
'Nothing can be done before Mrs Beste Chetwynde arrives,' said the Doctor.
Round and round the muddy track trotted the athletes while the silver band played sacred music unceasingly.
'Last lap!' announced Paul.
The school and the visitors crowded about the tape to cheer the winner. Amid loud applause Clutterbuck breasted the tape well ahead of the others.
'Well run! Oh, good, jolly good, sir!' cried Colonel Sidebotham.
'Good old Percy! That's the stuff,' said Mr Clutterbuck.
'Well run, Percy!' chorused the two little Clutterbucks, prompted by their governess.
'That boy cheated,' said Lady Circumference. 'He only went round five times. I counted.'
'I think unpleasantness so mars the afternoon,' said the Vicar.
'How dare you suggest such a thing?' asked Mrs Clutterbuck. 'I appeal to the referee. Percy ran the full course, didn't he?'
'Clutterbuck wins,' said Captain Grimes.
'Fiddlesticks!' said Lady Circumference. 'He deliberately lagged behind and joined the others as they went behind the beeches. The little toad!'
'Really, Greta,' said Lord Circumference, 'I think we ought to abide by the referee's decision.'
'Well, they can't expect me to give away the prizes, then. Nothing would induce me to give that boy a prize.'
'Do you understand, madam, that you are bringing a serious accusation against my son's honour?'
'Serious accusation fiddlesticks! What he wants is a jolly good hidin'.'
'No doubt you judge other people's sons by your own. Let me tell you, Lady Circumference...'
'Don't attempt to browbeat me, sir. I know a cheat when I see one.'
At this stage of the discussion the Doctor left Mrs Hope Brown's side, where he had been remarking upon her son's progress in geometry, and joined the group round the winning post.
'If there is a disputed decision,' he said genially, 'they shall race again.'
'Percy has won already,' said Mr Clutterbuck. 'He has been adjudged the winner.'
'Splendid! splendid! A promising little athlete. I congratulate you, Clutterbuck.'
'But he only ran five laps,' said Lady Circumference.
'Then clearly he has won the five furlongs race, a very exacting length Decorative wire mesh.'
'But the other boys,' said Lady Circumference, almost beside herself with rage, 'have run six lengths.'
'Then they,' said the Doctor imperturbably, 'are first, second, third, fourth, and fifth respectively in the Three Miles. Clearly there has been some confusion. Diana, I think we might now serve tea.'
Things were not easy, but there was fortunately a distraction, for as he spoke an enormous limousine of dove-grey and silver stole soundlessly on to the field.
'But what could be more opportune? Here is Mrs Beste Chetwynde.'
Three light skips brought him to the side of the car, but the footman was there before him. The door opened, and from the cushions within emerged a tall young man in a clinging dove grey overcoat. After him, like the first breath of spring in the Champs Élysées, came Mrs BesteChetwynde two lizard skin feet, silk legs, chinchilla body, a tight little black hat, pinned with platinum and diamonds, and the high invariable voice that may be heard in any Ritz Hotel from New York to Budapest.
'I hope you don't mind my bringing Chokey, Dr Fagan?' she said. 'He's just crazy about sport.'
'I sure am that,' said Chokey.
'Dear Mrs Beste Chetwynde!' said Dr Fagan; 'dear, dear, Mrs Beste Chetwynde!' He pressed her glove, and for the moment was at a loss for words of welcome, for 'Chokey', though graceful of bearing and irreproachably dressed, was a Negro.Decorative wire mesh

Decline and Fall（2）Llanabba Castle

CHAPTER II Llanabba Castle

LLANABBA CASTLE presents two quite different aspects, according as you approach it from the Bangor or the coast road. From the back it looks very much like any other large country house, with a great many windows and a terrace, and a chain of glass houses and the roofs of innumerable nondescript kitchen buildings, disappearing into the trees. But from the front and that is how it is approached from Llanabba station decorative wire mesh it is formidably feudal; one drives past at least a mile of machicolated wall before reaching the gates; these are towered and turreted and decorated with heraldic animals and a workable portcullis. Beyond them at the end of the avenue stands the Castle, a model of medieval impregnability.

The explanation of this rather striking contrast is simple enough. At the time of the cotton famine in the sixties Llanabba House was the property of a prosperous Lancashire millowner. His wife could not bear to think of their men starving; in fact, she and her daughters organized a little bazaar in their aid, though without any very substantial results. Her husband had read the Liberal economists and could not think of paying without due return. Accordingly 'enlightened self interest' found a way. An encampment of mill hands was settled in the park, and they were put to work walling the grounds and facing the house with great blocks of stone from a decorative wire meshneighbouring quarry. At the end of the American war they returned to their mills, and Llanabba House became Llanabba Castle after a great deal of work had been done very cheaply.
Driving up from the station in a little closed taxi, Paul saw little of all this. It was almost dark in the avenue and quite dark inside the house.
'I am Mr Pennyfeather,' he said to the butler. 'I have come here as a master.'
'Yes,' said the butler, 'I know all about you. This way.'
They went down a number of passages, unlit and smelling obscurely of all the ghastly smells of school, until they reached a brightly lighted door.
'In there. That's the Common Room.' Without more ado, the butler made off into the darkness.
Paul looked round. It was not a very big room. Even he felt that, and all his life he had been accustomed to living in constricted spaces.
'I wonder how many people live here,' he thought, and with a sick thrust of apprehension counted sixteen pipes in a rack at the side of the chimneypiece. Two gowns hung on a hook behind the door. In a corner were some golf clubs, a walking stick, an umbrella, and two miniature rifles. Over the chimneypiece was a green baize notice board covered with lists; there was a typewriter on the table. In a bookcase were a number of very old textbooks and some new exercise books. There were also a bicycle pump, two armchairs, a straight chair, half a bottle of invalid port, a boxing glove, a bowler hat, yesterday's Daily News, and a packet of pipe cleaners.
Paul sat down disconsolately on the straight chair.decorative wire mesh
Presently there was a knock at the door, and a small boy came in.
'Oh!' he said, looking at Paul intently.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I was looking for Captain Grimes,' said the little boy.
'Oh!' said Paul.
The child continued to look at Paul with a penetrating, impersonal interest.
'I suppose you're the new master?' he said.
'Yes,' said Paul. 'I'm called Pennyfeather.'
The little boy gave a shrill laugh. 'I think that's terribly funny,' he said, and went away.
Presently the door opened again, and two more boys looked in. They stood and giggled for a time and then made off.
In the course of the next half hour six or seven boys appeared on various pretexts and stared at Paul.
Then a bell rang, and there was a terrific noise of whistling and scampering. The door opened, and a very short man of about thirty came into the Common Room. He had made a great deal of noise in coming because he had an artificial leg. He had a short red decorative wire mesh moustache, and was slightly bald.
'Hullo!' he said.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I'm Captain Grimes,' said the newcomer, and 'Come in, you,' he added to someone outside.
Another boy came in.
'What do you mean,' said Grimes, 'by whistling when I told you to stop?'
'Everyone else was whistling,' said the boy.
'What's that got to do with it?' said Grimes.
'I should think it had a lot to do with it,' said the boy.
'Well, just you do a hundred lines, and next time, remember, I shall beat you,' said Grimes, 'with this,' said Grimes, waving the walking stick.
'That wouldn't hurt much,' said the boy, and went out.
'There's no discipline in the place,' said Grimes, and then he went out too.
'I wonder whether I'm going to enjoy being a schoolmaster,' thought Paul.
Quite soon another and older man came into the room.
'Hullo!' he said to Paul.
'Hullo!' said Paul.
'I'm Prendergast,' said the newcomer. 'Have some port?'
'Thank you, I'd love to.'
'Well, there's only one glass.'
'Oh, well, it doesn't matter, then.'
'You might get your tooth glass from your bedroom.'
'I don't know where that is.'
'Oh, well, never mind; we'll have some another night. I suppose you're the new master?'
'Yes.'
'You'll hate it here. I know. I've been here ten years. Grimes only came this term. He hates it already. Have you seen Grimes?'
'Yes, I think so.'
'He isn't a gentleman. Do you smoke?'
'Yes.'
'A pipe, I mean.'
'Yes.'
'Those are my pipes. Rernind me to show them to you after dinner.'
At this moment the butler appeared with a message that Dr Fagan wished to see Mr Pennyfeather.
Dr Fagan's part of the Castle was more palatial. He stood at the end of a long room decorative wire mesh with his back to a rococo marble chimneypiece; he wore a velvet dinner jacket.
'Settling in?' he asked.
'Yes,' said Paul.
Sitting before the fire, with a glass bottle of sweets in her lap, was a brightly dressed woman in early middle age.
'That,' said Dr Fagan with some disgust, 'is my daughter.'
'Pleased to meet you,' said Miss Fagan. 'Now what I always tells the young chaps as comes here is, "Don't let the dad overwork you." He's a regular Tartar, is Dad, but then you know what scholars are inhuman. Ain't you,' said Miss Fagan, turning on her father with sudden ferocity 'ain't you inhuman?'
'At times, my dear, I am grateful for what little detachment I have achieved. But here,' he added, 'is my other daughter.'
Silently, except for a scarcely perceptible jingling of keys, another woman had entered the room. She was younger than her sister, but far less gay.
'How do you do?' she said. 'I do hope you have brought some soap with you. I asked my father to tell you, but he so often forgets these things. Masters are not supplied with soap or with boot polish or with washing over two shillings and sixpence weekly. Do you take sugar in your tea?'
'Yes, usually.'
'I will make a note of that and have two extra lumps put out for you. Don't let the boys get them, though.'decorative wire mesh
'I have put you in charge of the fifth form for the rest of this term,' said Dr Fagan. 'You will find them delightful boys, quite delightful. Clutterbuck wants watching, by the way, a very delicate little chap. I have also put you in charge of the games, the carpentering class, and the fire drill. And I forgot, do you teach music?'
'No, I'm afraid not.'
'Unfortunate, most unfortunate. I understood from Mr Levy that you did. I have arranged for you to take Beste Chetwynde in organ lessons twice a week. Well, you must do the best you can. There goes the bell for dinner. I won't detain you. Oh, one other thing. Not a word to the boys, please, about the reasons for your leaving Oxford! We schoolmasters must temper discretion with deceit. There, I fancy I have said something decorative wire mesh for you to think about. Good night.'
'Tootle oo,' said the elder Miss Fagan.

Decline and Fall（1）Vocation

PART ONE

CHAPTER I Vocation

'SENT down for indecent behaviour, eh?' said Paul Pennyfeather's guardian. 'Well, thank God your poor father has been spared this disgrace. That's all I can say.'
There was a hush in Onslow Square, unbroken except by Paul's guardian's daughter's gramophone playing Gilbert and Sullivan in her little pink boudoir at the top of the stairs.
'My daughter must know nothing of this,' continued Paul's guardian.
There was another pause.Decorative wire mesh
'Well,' he resumed, 'you know the terms of your father's will. He left the sum of five thousand pounds, the interest of which was to be devoted to your education and the sum to be absolutely yours on your twenty first birthday. That, if I am right, falls in eleven months' time. In the event of your education being finished before that time, he left me with complete discretion to withhold this allowance should I not consider your course of life satisfactory. I do not think that I should be fulfilling the trust which your poor father placed in me if, in the present circumstances, I continued any allowance. Moreover, you will be the first to realize how impossible it would be for me to ask you to share the same Home with my daughter.'
'But what is to happen to me?' said Paul.
'I think you ought to find some work,' said his guardian thoughtfully. 'Nothing like it for taking the mind off nasty subjects.'
'But what kind of work?'
'Just work, good healthy toil. You have led too sheltered a life, Paul. Perhaps I am to blame. It will do you the world of good to face facts a bit look at life in the raw, you know. See things steadily and see them whole, eh?' And Paul's guardian lit another cigar.
'Have I no legal right to any money at all?' asked Paul.
'None whatever, my dear boy,' said his guardian quite cheerfully....
That spring Paul's guardian's daughter had two new evening frocks and, thus glorified, became engaged to a well conducted young man in the Office of Works.Decorative wire mesh
*
'Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?' said Mr Levy, of Church and Gargoyle, scholastic agents. 'Well, I don't think we'll say anything about that. In fact, officially, mind, you haven't told me. We call that sort of thing "Education discontinued for personal reasons", you understand.' He picked up the telephone. 'Mr Samson, have we any "education discontinued" posts, male, on hand?... Right!... Bring it up, will you? I think,' he added, turning again to Paul, 'we have just the thing for you.'
A young man brought in a slip of paper.
'What about that?'
Paul read it:
Private and Confidential Notice of Vacancy.
Augustus Fagan, Esquire, Ph.D., Llanabba Castle, N. Wales, requires immediately Junior assistant master to teach Classics and English to University Standard with subsidiary Mathematics, German and French. Experience essential; first class games essential.
Status of School: School.Decorative wire mesh
Salary offered: £120 resident post.
Reply promptly but carefully to Dr Fagan ('Esq., Ph.D.,' on envelope), enclosing copies of testimonials and photographs, if considered advisable, mentioning that you have heard of the vacancy through us.
'Might have been made for you,' said Mr Levy.
'But I don't know a word of German, I've had no experience, I've got no testimonials, and I can't play cricket.'
'It doesn't do to be too modest,' said Mr Levy. 'It's wonderful what one can teach when one tries. Why, only last term we sent a man who had never been in a laboratory in his life as senior science Master to one of our leading public schools. He came wanting to do private coaching in music. He's doing very well, I believe. Besides, Dr Fagan can't expect all that for the salary he's offering. Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn't a good name in the profession. We class schools, you see, into four grades: Leading School, First rate School, Good School, and School. Frankly,' said Mr Levy, 'School is pretty bad. I think you'll find it a very suitable post. So far as I know, there are only two other candidates, and one of them is totally deaf, poor fellow.'
*
Next day Paul went to Church and Gargoyle to interview Dr Fagan. He had not long to wait. Dr Fagan was already there interviewing the other candidates. After a few minutes Mr Levy led Paul into the room, introduced him, and left them together.Decorative wire mesh
'A most exhausting interview,' said Dr Fagan. 'I am sure he was a very nice young man, but I could not make him understand a word I said. Can you hear me quite clearly?'
'Perfectly, thank you.'
'Good; then let us get to Business.'
Paul eyed him shyly across the table. He was very tall and very old and very well dressed; he had sunken eyes and rather long white hair over jet black eyebrows. His head was very long, and swayed lightly as he spoke; his voice had a thousand modulations, as though at some remote time he had taken lessons in elocution; the backs of his hands were hairy, and his fingers were crooked like claws.
'I understand you have had no previous experience?'
'No, sir, I am afraid not.'
'Well, of course, that is in many ways an advantage. One too easily acquires the professional tone and loses vision. But of course we must be practical. I am offering a salary of one hundred and twenty pounds, but only to a man with experience. I have a letter here from a young man who holds a diploma in forestry. He wants an extra ten pounds a year on the strength of it, but it is vision I need, Mr Pennyfeather, not diplomas. I understand, too, that you left your University rather suddenly. Now why was that?'Decorative wire mesh
This was the question that Paul had been dreading, and, true to his training, he had resolved upon honesty.
'I was sent down, sir, for indecent behaviour.'
'Indeed, indeed? Well, I shall not ask for details. I have been in the scholastic profession long enough to know that nobody enters it unless he has some very good reason which he is anxious to conceal. But, again to be practical, Mr Pennyfeather, I can hardly pay one hundred and twenty pounds to anyone who has been sent down for indecent behaviour. Suppose that we fix your salary at ninety pounds a year to begin with? I have to return to Llanabba to night. There are six more weeks of term, you see, and I have lost a master rather suddenly. I shall expect you to morrow evening. There is an excellent train from Euston that leaves at about ten. I think you will like your work,' he continued dreamily, 'you will find that my school is built upon an ideal an ideal of service and fellowship. Many of the boys come from the very best families. Little Lord Tangent has come to us this term, the Earl of Circumference's son, you know. Such a nice little chap, erratic, of course, like all his family, but he has tone.' Dr Fagan gave a long sigh. 'I wish I could say the same for my staff. Between ourselves, Pennyfeather, I think I shall have to get rid of Grimes fairly soon. He is not out of the top drawer, and boys notice these things. Now, your predecessor was a thoroughly agreeable young man. I was sorry to lose him. But he used to wake up my daughters coming back on his motor bicycle at all hours of the night. He used to borrow money from the boys, too, quite large sums, and the parents objected. I had to get rid of him.... Still, I was very sorry. He had tone.'
Dr Fagan rose, put on his hat at a jaunty angle, and drew on a glove.
'Good bye, my dear Pennyfeather. I think, in fact I know, that we are going to work well together. I can always tell these things.'Decorative wire mesh
'Good bye, sir,' said Paul....
'Five per cent of ninety pounds is four pounds ten shillings,' said Mr Levy cheerfully. 'You can pay now or on receipt of your first term's salary. If you pay now there is a reduction of 15 per cent. That would be three pounds six shillings and sixpence.'
'I'll pay you when I get my wages,' said Paul.
'Just as you please,' said Mr Levy. 'Only too glad to have been of use to you.'

The Opal Deception(11)HORSE SENSE(2)

The clay he consumed was broken and aerated from the rod’s drilling action, and Mulch was glad for that extra air. He converted it to wind, using it to boost himself upward.
Mulch increased his pace, pumping the air and clay through his recycling passages. Opal would only be distracted by the shuttle for so long before it occurred to her that it was a diversion. The rod thickened as he went along, until he arrived at a rubber seal in the belly of the shuttle itself, which was raised on three retractable legs two feet off the ground.
When the shuttle was in flight, this seal would be covered by a metal panel; but the shuttle was not in flight at the moment, and the sensors were turned off.
Mulch climbed from his tunnel and rehinged his jaw.Decorative wire mesh
This was precision work and he needed fine control of his teeth. Rubber was not a recommended part of a dwarf’s diet, and so could not be swallowed. Half-digested rubber could seal up his insides as effectively as a barrel of glue.
It was an awkward bite. Difficult to get a grip. Mulch flattened his cheek against the battery rod, worming upward until his incisors could get some purchase on the seal. He bore down on the heavy rubber, rotating his jaw in small circles until his upper tooth broke through. Then he ground his teeth, enlarging the rent until there was a six-inch tear in the rubber. Now Mulch could get one side of his mouth into the gap. He tore off large chunks, careful to spit them out immediately.
In less than a minute Mulch had torn a foot-square hole. Just enough for him to squeeze through.
Anyone unfamiliar with dwarfs would have bet money that Mulch would never squeeze his well-fed bulk through such a narrow aperture, but they would have lost their cash.
Dwarfs have spent millennia escaping from cave-ins, and have developed the ability to squeeze through tighter holes than this one.
Mulch sucked in his gut and wiggled through the torn seal, headfirst. He was glad to be out of the faint, morning sunlight. Sun was another thing dwarfs did not like. After mere minutes in direct sunlight, a dwarf’s skin would be redder than a boiled lobster’s. He shinned along the battery rod into the shuttle’s engine compartment. Most of the small space was taken up with flat batteries and a hydrogen generator. There was an access hatch overhead that led into the cargo bay. Light ropes ran the length of the compartment, giving off pale green light. Any radiation leak from the generator would show up purple.Decorative wire mesh
The reason that the light ropes were still working without power was that illumination was supplied by specially cultivated decaying algae. Not that Mulch knew any of this; he just knew that the light was very similar to the luminescence from dwarf spittle, and the familiarity made him relax. He relaxed a bit too much, as it happened, allowing a small squib of tunnel gas to escape through his bum-flap. Hopefully nobody would notice that…
Maybe half a minute later, he heard Opal’s voice from outside.
‘Now, whoever is passing wind, please stop it, or I will devise a fitting punishment.“
Oops, thought Mulch guiltily. In dwarf circles it is considered almost criminal to allow someone else to be blamed for your air bubbles. Through sheer force of habit, Mulch almost raised his hand and confessed, but luckily his instinct for self-preservation was stronger than his conscience.
Moments later the signal came. It was hard to miss. The explosion rocked the entire shuttle twenty degrees off center. It was time to make his move and trust Artemis when he said that it was almost impossible not to watch an explosion.
Mulch nudged the hatch open a crack with the crown of his head. The dwarf half expected someone to stamp on the hatch, but the cargo bay was empty. Mulch folded the hatch back and crept all the way into the small chamber. There was a lot here to interest him.
Crates of ingots, Perspex boxes of human currency, and antique jewelry hanging from mannequins. Obviously Opal did not intend on being poor in her new role as a human. Mulch snagged a single diamond earring from a nearby bust. So Artemis had told him not to take anything. So what? One earring wouldn’t slow him down.Decorative wire mesh
Mulch popped the pigeon’s egg-size diamond into his mouth and swallowed. He could pass that later when he was on his own. Until then it could lodge in his stomach wall, and it would come out shinier than it went in.
Another explosion bucked the floor beneath his feet, reminding Mulch to move on. He crossed to the bay door, which was slightly ajar. The next chamber was the passenger area, and it was just as plush as Holly had described. Mulch’s lips rippled at the sight of fur-covered chairs. Repulsive.
Beyond the passenger area was the cockpit. Opal and her two friends were clearly visible, staring intently out of the front windshield. They were making not a sound, and saying not a word. Just as Artemis had said.
Mulch dropped to his knees and crawled across the lounge’s carpet. He was now completely exposed.
If one of the pixies decided to turn around, he would be stranded in the center of the lounge with nothing but a smile to hide behind.Decorative wire mesh
Just keep going and don’t think about that, Mulch told himself.
If Opal catches you, pretend you’re lost or have amnesia, or just came out of a coma. Maybe she’ll sympathize, give you some gold, and send you on your way. Yeah, right.
Something creaked slightly beneath Mulch’s knee.
The dwarf froze, but the pixies didn’t react to the sound. Presumably that was the lid of the booty box.
Opal’s little hidey hole. Mulch crawled around the box. If there was one thing he didn’t need, it was more creaks.
Two shaped charges lay on a chair, level with Mulch’s nose. He couldn’t believe it. Right there, less than a yard away. This was the one part of the plan that relied on luck. If one of the Brill brothers had the charge tucked under his arm or if there were more charges than he could carry, then they would have to ram the shuttle and hope to disable her. But here it was, almost begging to be stolen.Decorative wire mesh
When he was committing a robbery, Mulch often gave voices to the objects he was about to steal. This, he knew, would sound a little crazy to the rest of the world, but he spent a lot of time on his own and he needed someone to talk to.
Come on, Mister Handsome Dwarf, said one of the charges in a breathy falsetto.
I’m waiting. I don’t like it here you know. Please rescue me.
Very well, Madame, said Mulch silently, taking the bag from inside his shirt.
I’ll take you, but we’re not going very Jar.
Me, too, said the other charge. still want to go, too.
Don’t worry, ladies. Where you’re going, there’s plenty of room for both of you.
When Mulch Diggums crept out through the torn seal a minute later, the charges were no longer on the chair. In their place was a small handheld communicator.
The three pixies sat quietly in the stealth shuttle’s cockpit One was concentrating on the transport craft hovering two hundred yards off their bows. The other two were concentrating on not passing wind, and not thinking about not passing wind.
The transport shuttle’s side entrance opened, and something winked in the morning light as it tumbled earthward. Seconds later the something exploded, rocking the stealth shuttle on its suspension bags.Decorative wire mesh
The Brill brothers gasped, and Opal cuffed them both on the ear.
Opal was not worried. They were searching. Shooting in the dark, or very close to it. Maybe in thirty minutes there would be enough light to see the ship with the naked eye, but until then they were blending very nicely with the surrounding countryside, thanks to a hull made from stealth ore and cam-foil. Fowl must have guessed where they were because of this chute’s proximity to the probe. But all he had was an approximation. Of course it would be delightful to blast them out of the air, but plasma bursts would light up Foaly’s satellite scanners and paint a bull’s- eye on their hull.
She plucked a digi-pad and pen from the dash and scrawled a message on it.
Stay quiet and calm. Even if one of those charges hits us, it will not penetrate the hull.
Mervall took the pad.Decorative wire mesh
Maybe we should leave. Mud Men will be coming.
Opal wrote a response.
Dear Mervall, please don’t start thinking; you will hurt your head. We wait until they leave. At this close range, they could actually hear our engines starting.
Another explosion rocked the stealth shuttle.
Opal felt a bead of sweat roll down her forehead. This was ridiculous: she didn’t perspire, certainly not in front of the help. In five minutes the humans would come to investigate.
It was their nature. So she would wait five minutes, then try to slip past the LEP shuttle, and if she couldn’t slip past, then she would blast them out of the sky and take her chances with the supersonic shuttle that would no doubt come to investigate.
More grenades dropped from the LEP craft, but they were farther away now, and the shock waves barely caused a shudder in the stealth shuttle. This went on for two or three minutes without the remotest danger to Opal or the Brills, then suddenly the transport shuttle sealed its door and peeled off back down the chute.
‘Hmm,“ said Opal. ”Surprising.“
‘Maybe they ran out of ammunition,“ offered Merv, though he knew that Opal would punish him for offering an opinion.Decorative wire mesh
‘Is that what you think, Mervall? They ran out of explosives and so they decided just to let us go? Do you really imagine that to be true, you imbecilic excuse for a sentient being? Don’t you have any frontal lobes?“
‘I was just playing devil’s advocate,“ mumbled Merv weakly.
Opal rose from her seat, waving a hand at each Brill brother. “Just shut up. I need to talk to myself for a minute.” She paced the narrow cockpit.
‘What’s going on here? They track us to the chute, then put on a big fireworks display, then leave. Just like that. Why? Why?“
She rubbed both temples with a knuckle.
‘Think.“ Suddenly Opal remembered something.
‘Last night. A shuttle was stolen in E1. We heard about it on the police band. Who stole it?“
Scant shrugged. “I dunno. Some dwarf. Is it important?”
‘That’s right. A dwarf. And wasn’t there a dwarf involved in the Artemis Fowl siege? And weren’t there rumors of the same dwarf helping Julius to break into Koboi labs?“
‘Rumors. No actual evidence.“Decorative wire mesh
Opal turned on Scant. “Maybe that’s because, unlike you, this dwarf is smart. Maybe he doesn’t want to be caught.” The pixie took a moment to connect the dots. “So they have a dwarf burglar, a shuttle, and explosives. Holly must know that those pathetic grenades can’t penetrate our hull, so why drop them? Unless…”
The truth hit her like a physical blow in the stomach. “Oh no,” she gasped. “Distraction. We sat here like fools watching the pretty lights.And all the time…“
She heaved Scant aside, rushing past him to the lounge.
‘The charges,“ she shrieked. ”Where are they?“
Scant went straight to the chair. “Don’t worry, Miss Koboi, they’re right-was He stopped, the sentence’s final word stuck in his throat.
‘I, ah, they were right there. In the chair.“
Opal picked up the small handheld radio.
‘They’re toying with me. Tell me you put the backup somewhere safe.“
‘No,“ said Scant miserably. ”They were together.“
Merv pushed past him into the cargo bay. “The engine compartment is open.” He stuck his head through the hatch. His voice wafted up, muffled by the floor panels. “The battery rod seal has been ripped apart. And there are footprints. Someone came through here.”
Opal threw back her head and screamed. She held it for a long time for such a small individual.
Finally her breath ran out. “Follow the shuttle,” she gasped when her wind returned. “I modified those charges myself and they cannot be disarmed. We can still detonate. At the very least we will destroy my enemies.”Decorative wire mesh
‘Yes, Miss Koboi,“ said Merv and Scant together.
‘Don’t look at me,“ howled Opal.
The Brill brothers fled to the cockpit, trying to simultaneously bow, look at their feet, not think anything dangerous, and above all, not pass wind.

Mulch was waiting at the rendezvous site when the LEP shuttle arrived. Butler opened the door and hauled the dwarf in by the collar.
‘Did you get it?“ asked Artemis anxiously.
Mulch passed him the bulging bag. “Right here.
And before you ask, I left the radio.“
‘So everything went according to plan?“
‘Completely,“ replied Mulch, neglecting to mention the diamond nestled in his stomach wall.
‘Excellent,“ said Artemis, striding past the dwarf to the cockpit.
‘Go,“ he shouted, thumping Holly’s headrest.
Holly already had the shuttle ticking over, and was holding it with the brake.
‘We’re gone,“ she said, releasing the brake and flooring the throttle. The LEP craft bolted from the rocky outcrop like a pebble from a catapult.Decorative wire mesh
Artemis’s legs were dragged from the floor, flapping behind him like windsocks. The rest of him would have followed if he hadn’t held on to the headrest.
‘How much time do we have?“ asked Holly, through lips rippled by G-force.
Artemis pulled himself into the passenger seat.
‘Minutes. The orebody will hit a depth of one hundred and five miles in precisely one quarter of an hour. Opal will be after us any second.“
Holly shadowed the chute wall, spinning between two towers of rock. The lower portion of E7 was quite straight, but this stretch corkscrewed through the crust, following the cracks in the plates.
‘Is this going to work, Artemis?“ said Holly.
Artemis pondered the question. “I considered eight plans, and this was the best one. Even so, we have a sixty- four percent chance of success. The key is to keep Opal distracted so she doesn’t discover the truth. That’s up to you, Holly. Can you do it?”
Holly wrapped her fingers around the wheel.
‘Don’t worry. It’s not often I get a chance to do some fancy flying. Opal will be so busy trying to catch us that she won’t have time to consider anything else.“
Artemis looked out of the windshield. They were pointing straight down toward the center of the earth.Decorative wire mesh
Gravity fluctuated at this depth and speed, so they were alternately pinned to their chairs and straining to be free of their seat belts. The chute’s blackness enveloped them like tar, except for the cone of light from the shuttle’s headlamps. Gigantic rock formations darted in and out of the cone heading straight for their nose. Somehow Holly steered them through, without once tapping the brake.
On the plasma dash, the icon representing the gaseous anomaly that was Opal’s ship inched across the screen.
‘They’re on to us,“ said Holly, catching the movement from the corner of one eye.
Artemis’s stomach was knotted from flight nausea anxiety, fatigue, and exhilaration. “Very well,” he said, almost to himself. “The chase is on.”

At the mouth of E7, Merv was at the wheel of the stealth shuttle. Scant was on instruments, and Opal was in charge of giving orders and general ranting.
‘Do we have a signal from the charge?“ she screeched from her chair.
Her voice is really getting annoying, thought Scant, but not too loudly. “No,” he replied.
‘Nothing. Which means it must be in the other shuttle.
Their shields must be blocking the charge’s signal.
We need to get closer, or I could send the detonation signal anyway; we might get lucky.“
Opal’s screech grew more strident. “No!Decorative wire mesh
We must not detonate before that shuttle reaches one hundred and five miles. If we do, the orebody will not change course. What about this stupid communicator? Anything from that?“
‘Negative,“ said Scant. ”If there’s another one, it must be switched off.“
‘We could always return to Zito’s compound,“ said Merv. ”We have a dozen more charges there.“
Opal leaned forward in her seat, punching Merv’s shoulders with her tiny fists. “Idiot. Moron.
Half-wit. Are you in some kind of stupidity competition? Is that it? If we return to Zito’s, the orebody will be too deep by the time we return. Not to mention the fact that Captain Short will present the LEP with her version of events and they will have to investigate, at the very least. We must get closer and we must detonate. Even if we miss the probe window, at least we destroy any witnesses against me.“
The stealth shuttle had proximity sensors linked into the navigating software, which meant that Opal and company did not have to worry about colliding with the chute wall or stalactites.
‘How long before we’re in detonation range?“
Opal barked. To be honest, it was more of a yip.
Merv did some quick calculations. “Three minutes. No more.”
‘How deep will they be at that point?“
A few more sums. “One hundred and fifty-five miles.”
Opal pinched her nose. “It could work. Presuming they have both charges, the resulting explosion, even if not directed as we planned, may be enough to blow a crack in the wall. It’s our only option. If it fails, at least we have time to regroup. As soon as they hit one hundred and five, send the detonate signal. Send it continuously. We may get lucky.“
Merv flipped a plastic safety cover off the DETONATE button. Only minutes to go.
Artemis’s insides were trying to force their way out his throat. “This heap needs new gyroscopes,” he said.Decorative wire mesh
Holly barely nodded, too busy concentrating on a particularly tricky series of jinks and loops in the chute.
Artemis consulted the dashboard’s readout.
‘We’re at a depth of one hundred and five now. Opal will be trying to detonate. She’s closing fast.“
Mulch stuck his head through from the passenger section.
‘Is all this jiggling about really necessary? I’ve had a lot to eat recently.“
‘Nearly there,“ said Artemis. ”The ride is just about over. Tell Butler to open the bag.“
‘Okay. Are you sure Opal will do what she’s supposed to?“
Artemis smiled reassuringly. “Of course I am. It’s human nature, and Opal is a human now, remember? Now, Holly. Pull over.”
Mervall tapped the readout. “You’re not going to believe this, Op… Miss Koboi.”
The merest hint of a smile flickered across Opal’s lips. “Don’t tell me. They have stopped.”
Merv shook his head, astounded. “Yes, they are hovering at one hundred and twenty-five. Why would they do that?”
‘There’s no point trying to explain it, Mervall. Just keep sending the detonation signal, but slow us down. I don’t want to be too close when we get a connection.“
She drummed her nails on the handheld communicator left behind by the dwarf. Any second now.
A red call light flashed on the communicator, accompanied by a slight vibration. Opal smiled, flipping open the walkie-talkie’s screen.
Artemis’s pale face filled the tiny screen.
He was trying to smile, but it was obviously forced.
‘Opal, I am giving you one chance to surrender. We have disarmed your charges and the LEP is on its way. It would be better for you to turn yourself over to Captain Short than shoot it out with an armed LEP ship.“Decorative wire mesh
Opal clapped her hands. “Bravo, Master Fowl, what a wonderful fiction. Now, why don’t I tell you the real truth. You have realized that the charges cannot be disarmed. The mere fact that I can receive your communication’s signal means that my detonation signal will soon penetrate your shields. You cannot simply jettison the explosives, or I will set them off in the chute, exactly as I had originally planned. Then I will simply fire a few heat seekers at your craft. And if you attempt further flight, then I will follow and penetrate your shields before you clear the parallel stretch. You are not in communication with the LEP. If you were, we would have picked up your broadcast. So your only alternative is this pathetic bluff. And it is pathetic. You are obviously attempting to stall me until the orebody passes your depth.”
‘So you refuse to surrender?“
Opal pretended to think about it, tapping her chin with a manicured nail. “Why, yes. I think I will fight on, against all odds. And by the way, please don’t look directly at the screen: it’s bad for my skin.”
Artemis sighed dramatically. “Well, if we have to go, at least we’ll go on full stomachs.”
This was an unusually cavalier comment to make with seconds to live, even for a human. “Full stomachs?”
‘Yes,“ said Artemis. ”Mulch took something else from your shuttle.“
He picked up a small chocolate-covered ball and wiggled it before the screen.
‘My truffles?“ gasped Opal. ”You took them. That’s just mean.“
Artemis popped the treat into his mouth and chewed slowly. “They really are divine. I can see why you missed them in the institute. We’re really going to have to work hard to eat all we took before you blow us to smithereens.”Decorative wire mesh
Opal hissed, catlike. “Killing you will be so easy.” She turned to Merv. “Do we have a signal yet?”
‘Nothing, Miss Koboi. But soon. If we have communications, it can’t be long now.“
Holly squeezed her head into the viewfinder. One cheek was swollen with truffles.
‘They really melt in the mouth, Opal. The condemned crew’s final meal.“
Opal actually poked the screen with her nail.
‘You survived twice, Short. You won’t do it again, I guarantee it.“
Holly laughed. “You should see Mulch. He’s shoveling those truffles down his gullet.”
Opal was livid. “Any signal?” Even now, with certain I destruction only moments away, they were still mocking her.
‘Not yet. Soon.“
‘Keep trying. Keep your finger on that button.“
Opal unstrapped herself and strode through to the lounge. The dwarf couldn’t have carried all the truffles and the explosives. Surely not. She had been so looking forward to a handful of the heavenly chocolate once Haven was destroyed.
She knelt on the carpet, worming her hand underneath the seam to the hidden catch. It popped beneath her fingers, and the booty box’s lid slid up and back.
There was not a single truffle left in the box.
Instead there were two shaped charges. For a moment Opal could not understand what she was seeing. Then it became terrifyingly clear. Artemis had not stolen the charges; he had simply told the dwarf to move them. Once in the booty box they could not be detected or detonated, as long as the lid was sealed. She had opened the box herself. Artemis had goaded her into sealing her own fate.Decorative wire mesh
The blood drained from Opal’s face.
‘Mervall,“ she screamed. ”The detonation signal!“
‘Don’t worry, Miss Koboi,“ the pixie shouted from the cockpit. ”We just got contact. Nothing can stop it now.“
Green countdown clocks activated on both charges and began counting back from twenty. A standard mining fuse.
Opal lurched into the cockpit. She had been tricked.
Duped. Now the charges would detonate uselessly at seventy-five miles, well above the parallel stretch. Of course her own shuttle would be destroyed and she would be left stranded, ready to be scooped up by the LEP. At least that was the theory.
But Opal Koboi never left herself without options.
She strapped herself into a seat in the cockpit.
‘I advise you to strap in,“ she said curtly to the Brill brothers. ”You have failed me. Enjoy prison.“
Merv and Scant barely had time to buckle up before Opal activated the ejector gel-pods under their seats. They were immediately immersed in a bubble of amber impact-gel and ejected through panels that had opened in the hull.
The impact-gel bubbles had no power source and relied on the initial gas propulsion to get them out of harm’s way. The gel was fireproof, blast resistant, and contained enough oxygen for thirty minutes of shallow breathing. Merv and Scant were catapulted through black space until they came into contact with the chute wall. The gel stuck to the rocky surface, leaving the Brill brothers stranded thousands of miles from Home.
Opal, meanwhile, was rapidly keying codes into the shuttle’s computer. She had less than ten seconds left to complete her final act of aggression. Artemis Fowl may have beaten her this time, but he wouldn’t live to gloat about it.
Opal expertly activated and launched two heat-seeking plasma rockets from the nose tubes, then launched her own escape pod. No plasma-gel for Opal Koboi. She had, of course, included a luxury pod in the ship’s design. Just one, though; no need for the help to travel in comfort. In fact, Opal didn’t care much what happened to the Brill brothers, one way or the other. They were of no further use to her.Decorative wire mesh
She opened the throttles wide, ignoring safety regulations. After all, who cared if she scorched the shuttle’s hull. It was about to get a lot more than just scorched. The pod streaked toward the surface at over five hundred miles per hour.
Pretty fast, but not fast enough to completely escape the shock wave from the two shaped charges.
The stealth shuttle exploded in a flash of multicolored light. Holly pulled the LEP shuttle close to the wall to avoid falling debris. After the shock waves had passed, the shuttle’s occupants waited in silence for the computer to run a scan on the stretch of chute above them. Eventually three red dots appeared on the 3-D representation of the chute. Two were static, the other was moving rapidly toward the surface.
‘They made it,“ sighed Artemis. ”I have no doubt that the moving dot is Opal. We should pick her up.“
‘We should,“ said Holly, not looking as happy as one would expect. ”But we won’t.“
Artemis picked up on Holly’s tone. “Why not? What’s wrong?”
‘That’s wrong,“ said Holly, pointing to the screen. Two more dots had appeared on the screen and were moving toward them at extreme speed. The computer identified the dots as missiles, and quickly ran a match in its database.
‘Heat-seeking plasma rockets. Locked on to our engines.“
Mulch shook his head. “That Koboi is a bitter little pixie. She couldn’t let it go.”
Artemis stared at the screen as if he could destroy the missiles through concentration. “I should have anticipated this.”
Butler poked his massive head past his charge’s shoulders. “Do you have any hot waffle to draw the missiles away?”
‘This is a transport shuttle,“ replied Holly. ”We were lucky to have shields.“
‘The missiles are coming after our heat signature?“
‘Yes,“ said Holly, hoping there was an idea on the way.
‘Is there any way to significantly alter that signature?“
An option occurred to Holly then. It was so extreme that she didn’t bother running it past the shuttle’s other occupants.Decorative wire mesh
‘There is one way,“ she said, and turned off the engines.
The shuttle dropped like a rock through the chute.
Holly tried to maneuver using the flaps, but without propulsion it was like trying to steer an anchor.
There was no time for fear or panic. There was only time to hang on to something and try to keep her last meal inside her body.
Holly gritted her teeth, swallowing the panic that was trying to claw its way out, and fought the steering wheel. If she could keep the flaps centered, then they shouldn’t collide with the chute walls.
At least this way, they had a chance.
She flicked her eyes toward the readouts. The core temperature was dropping, but would it be quickly enough? This section of the chute was reasonably straight, but there was a kink coming up in thirty-one miles, and they would crash into it like a fly hitting an elephant.
Butler crawled upward toward the rear of the ship.
On the way he snagged two fire extinguishers and popped their pins. He tossed the extinguishers into the engine room and closed the door. Through the hatch, he could see the extinguishers cartwheeling, covering the engine with freezing foam.
The engine temperature dropped another notch.
The missiles were closer now, and gaining.
Holly opened all the vents wide, flooding the shuttle with cool air. Another notch toward green on the temperature readout.Decorative wire mesh
‘Come on,“ she said through rippling lips. ”A few more degrees.“
They hurtled down and down, spinning into blackness.
Little by little the ship was drifting to starboard. Soon it would smash into the kink that rose to meet them.
Holly’s finger hovered over the ignition. She would wait until the last possible moment.
The engines cooled even further. They were efficient energy-saving units. When they were not in use, they quickly funneled excess heat to the life-support batteries. But still the missiles held their course.
The kink in the chute wall appeared in their headlights. It was bigger than an average mountain and composed of hard, unforgiving rock. If the shuttle crashed, it would crumple like a tin can.
Artemis squeezed words from between his lips. “Not working. Engines.”
‘Wait,“ Holly replied.
The flaps were vibrating now, and the shuttle went into a tumble. They could see the heat seekers roaring up behind them, then in front of them, then behind them again.
They were close to the rock now. Too close.
If Holly delayed even one more second, she would not have sufficient room to maneuver. She punched the ignition, veering to port at the last millisecond. The bow plates sent up an arc of sparks as they scraped along the rocky outcrop. Then they were free, zooming into the black void. That is, if you can count being pursued by two heat seekers as being free.
The engine temperature was still dropping and would be for maybe half a minute while the turbines heated up. Would it be enough? Holly punched the rear camera view up on the front screen. The rockets were still coming. Unrelenting. Purple fuel burning in their wake. Three seconds to impact.
Then two.
Then they lost contact, veering away from their target. One went over the top, the other under the keel.
‘It worked,“ sighed Artemis, releasing a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
‘Well done, soldier,“ grinned Butler, ruffling Holly’s hair.
Mulch poked his head through from the passenger area.
His face was slightly green. “I had a little accident,” he said. No one inquired further.
‘Let’s not celebrate just yet,“ said Holly, checking her instruments. ”Those missiles should have detonated against the chute wall, but they didn’t.
I can only think of one reason why they wouldn’t keep traveling in a straight line.“
‘If they acquired another target,“ offered Butler.
A red dot appeared on the plasma screen. The two missiles were headed directly for it.
‘Exactly. That’s an LEP supersonic attack shuttle, and as far as they’re concerned, we’ve just opened fire on them.“
Major Trouble Kelp was behind the wheel of the LEP attack shuttle. The craft was traveling at more than three times the speed of sound, booming along the chute like a silver needle. Supersonic flights were very rarely cleared as they could cause cave-ins and, in rare cases, be detected by human seismographic equipment.
The shuttle’s interior was filled with impact-gel to dampen the otherwise bone-breaking vibration. Major Kelp was suspended in the gel in a modified pilot’s suit. The ship’s controls were connected directly to his gloves, and the video ran in to his helmet.
Foaly was in constant contact from Police Plaza.
‘Be advised that the stolen shuttle is back in the chute,“ he informed Trouble. ”It’s hovering at one hundred and twenty-five miles.“
‘I have it,“ said Trouble, locating the dot on his radar. He felt his heart race. There was a chance that Holly was alive and aboard that shuttle. And if that were true, he would do whatever it took to bring her Home safely.
A sunburst of white, yellow, and orange flared on his scopes.
‘We have an explosion of some kind. Was it the stolen shuttle?“
‘No, Trouble. It came from nowhere. There was nothing there. Watch out for debris.“
The screen was streaked with dozens of jagged yellow lines, as hot metal shards plummeted toward the center of the earth. Trouble activated the nose lasers, ready for anything that might head his way. It was unlikely that his vessel would be threatened; the chute was wider than the average city at this depth. The debris from the explosion would not spread more than half a mile. He had plenty of time to steer himself out of harm’s way.
Unless some of the debris followed him. Two of the yellow streaks were veering unnaturally in his direction. The onboard computer ran a scan.
Both items had propulsion and guidance systems.
Missiles.Decorative wire mesh
‘I am under fire,“ he said into his microphone. ”Two missiles incoming.“
Had Holly fired on him? Was it true what Sool said? Had she really gone bad?
Trouble reached into the air and tapped a virtual screen. He touched the representations for both missiles, targeting them for destruction. As soon as they came into range, the computer would hit them with a beam of laser fire. Trouble steered into the middle of the chute so that the lasers would have the longest possible line of fire. Lasers were only any good in a straight line.
Three minutes later, the missiles powered around the bend in the chute. Trouble barely spared them a glance, and the computer loosed two quick bursts, dispatching the missiles efficiently. Major Kelp flew straight through the shock wave, insulated by layers of impact-gel.
Another screen opened in his visor. It was the newly promoted Commander Ark Sool. “Major, you are authorized to return fire. Use all necessary force.”
Trouble scowled. “But, Commander, Holly may be on board.”
Sool raised a hand, silencing all objections.
‘Captain Short has made her allegiances clear. Fire at will.“
Foaly could not remain silent. “Hold your fire, Trouble. You know Holly isn’t behind all of this. Somehow Opal Koboi fired those missiles.”
Sool pounded the desk. “How can you be so blind to the truth, donkey boy? What does Short have to do to convince you she’s a traitor? Send you an e-mail? She has murdered her commander, allied herself with a felon, and fired on an LEP shuttle. Blast her out of the air.“
‘No!“ insisted Foaly. ”It sounds bad, I grant you. But there must be another explanation. Just give Holly a chance to tell us what it is.“
Sool was apoplectic. “Shut up, Foaly! What are you doing giving tactical orders? You are a civilian, now get off the line.“
‘Trouble, listen to me,“ began Foaly, but that was all he managed to say before Sool cut him off.
‘Now,“ said the commander, calming himself. ”You have your orders. Fire on that shuttle.“
The stolen shuttle was actually in view now.
Trouble magnified its image in his visor and immediately noticed three things. First, the shuttle’s communications mast was missing. Second, this was a transport shuttle and not rigged for missiles, and third, he could actually see Holly Short in the cockpit, her face drawn and defiant.
‘Commander Sool,“ he said. ”I think we have some extenuating circumstances here.“
‘I said fire!“ screeched Sool. ”You will obey me.“
‘Yes, sir,“ said Trouble, and fired.
Holly had watched the radar screen, following Opal’s missiles through unblinking eyes. Her fingers had gripped the steering wheel until the rubber squeaked. She did not relax until the needle-like attack shuttle destroyed the missiles and coasted through the wreckage.
‘No problem,“ she said, smiling bright eyed at the rest of the crew.
‘Not for him,“ said Artemis. ”But perhaps for us.“
The attack shuttle hovered off their port bow, sleek and deadly, bathing them with a dozen spotlights. Holly squinted into the pale light, trying to see who was in the captain’s chair. A tube opened and a metallic cone nosed out.
‘That’s not good,“ said Mulch. ”They’re going to fire at us.“
But strangely, Holly smiled. It is good, she thought. Someone down there likes me.
The communications spike traveled the short distance between the two shuttles, burying itself in the stolen craft’s hull. A quick-drying sealant erupted from nozzles at the base of the spike, sealing the breach, and the nose cone unscrewed itself and dropped to the floor with a clang. Underneath was a conical speaker.
Trouble Kelp’s voice filled the room.Decorative wire mesh
‘Captain Short, I have orders to blow you out of the air. Orders that I’d just as soon disobey. So start talking, and give me enough information to save both our careers.“
So Holly talked. She gave Trouble the condensed version. How this entire affair was orchestrated by Opal, and how they would pick her up if they searched the chute.
‘That’s enough to keep you alive, for now,“ said Trouble. ”Though, officially, you and any other shuttle occupants are under arrest until we find Opal Koboi.“
Artemis cleared his throat. “Excuse me. I don’t believe you have any jurisdiction over humans. It would be illegal to arrest me or my associate.”
Trouble sighed. Over the speaker it sounded like a rasp of sandpaper. “Let me guess:
Artemis Fowl, right? I should have known. You people are becoming quite the team. Well, let’s say you are a guest of the LEP, if that makes you any happier.
Now, a Retrieval squad is in the chute. They will take care of Opal and her associates. You follow me back to Haven.“
Holly wanted to object. She wanted to catch Opal herself. She wanted the personal pleasure of tossing the poisonous pixie into an actual jail cell.
And then throw away the key. But their position was precarious enough as it was, so for once she decided to follow orders.

E7, Haven City
Once they reached Haven, a squad of LEP foot soldiers boarded the shuttle to secure the prisoners. The police swaggered on board, barking orders. Then they saw Butler, and their cockiness evaporated like rainwater from a hot highway. They had been told that the human was big. But this was more than big. This was monstrous. Mountainous.
Butler smiled apologetically. “Don’t worry, little fairies. I have this effect on most humans too.”
The police breathed a collective sigh of relief when Butler agreed to go quietly. They could possibly have subdued him if he had put up a fight, but then the massive Mud Man might have fallen on someone.
The detainees were housed in the shuttleport’s executive lounge, evicting several grumbling lawyers and Business fairies. It was all very civil: good food, clean clothes (not for Butler ), and entertainment centers. But they were under guard, nevertheless.
Half an hour later, Foaly burst in to the lounge.
‘Holly!“ he said, wrapping a hairy arm around the elf. ”I am so happy that you’re alive.“
‘Me too, Foaly.“ Holly grinned.
‘A little hello wouldn’t hurt,“ said Mulch sulkily.” “How are you, Mulch? Long time no see, Mulch. Here’s your medal, Mulch.”“
‘Oh, all right,“ said Foaly, wrapping the other hairy arm around the equally hairy dwarf. ”Nice to see you too, Mulch, even if you did sink one of my subs. And no, no medal.“
‘Because of the sub,“ argued Mulch. ”If I hadn’t done it, your bones would be buried under a hundred million tons of molten iron right now.“
‘Good point,“ noted the centaur. ”I’ll mention it at your hearing.“ He turned to Artemis. ”I see you managed to cheat the mind wipe, Artemis.“
Artemis smiled. “A good thing for all of us.”
‘Indeed. I’ll never make the mistake of trying to wipe you again.“ He took Artemis’s hand and shook it warmly. ”You’ve been a friend to the People. You too, Butler.“
The bodyguard was hunched on a sofa, elbows on knees. “You can repay me by building a room I can stand up in.”Decorative wire mesh
‘I’m sorry about this,“ said Foaly apologetically. ”We don’t have rooms for people your size. Sool wants you all kept here until your story can be verified.“
‘How are things going?“ asked Holly.
Foaly pulled a file from inside his shirt.
‘I’m not actually supposed to be here, but I thought you’d like an update.“
They crowded around a table while Foaly laid out the reports.
‘We found the Brill brothers on the chute wall. They’re singing like stinkworms-so much for loyalty to your employer. Forensics have collected enough pieces of the stealth shuttle to prove its existence.“
Holly clapped her hands. “That’s it, then.”
‘It’s not airtight,“ corrected Artemis.
‘Without Opal, we could still be responsible for everything. The Brills could be lying to protect us. Do you have her?“
Foaly clenched his fists. “Well, yes and no.
Her escape pod was ruptured from the blast, so we could trace it. But by the time we reached the crash-down site on the surface, she had disappeared. We ran a thermal on the area and isolated Opal’s footprints. We followed them to a small rustic Homestead in the wine region near Bari. We can actually see her on satellite, but an insertion is going to take time to organize. She’s ours, and we will get her. But it may take a week.“
Holly’s face was dark with rage. “She’d better enjoy that week, because it will be the best of the rest of her life.”

Near Bari, Italy
Opal Koboi’s craft limped to the surface, leaking plasma gouts through its cracked generator.
Opal was well aware that this plasma was as good as a trail of arrows for Foaly. She must ditch the craft as soon as possible and find somewhere to lay low until she could access some of her funds.
She cleared the shuttleport and made it nearly ten miles across country before her engines seized, utterly forcing her to ditch in a vineyard. When she clambered from the pod, Opal found a tall tanned woman of perhaps forty waiting for her with a shovel and a furious expression on her face.
‘These are my vines,“ said the woman in Italian. ”The vines are my life. Who are you to crash here in your little airplane and destroy everything I have?“
Opal thought fast. “Where is your family?” she asked. “Your husband?”
The woman blew a strand of hair from her eye.
‘No family. No husband. I work the vines alone. I’m the last in the line. These vines mean more to me than my life, and certainly more to me than yours.“
‘You’re not alone,“ said Opal, turning on the hypnotic fairy mesmer.
‘You have me now. I am your daughter Belinda.“
Why not? she reasoned. If it worked once…
‘Belinda,“ said the woman slowly. ”I have a daughter?“
‘That’s right,“ agreed Opal. ”Belinda. Remember? We work these vines together. I help make the wine.“
‘You help me?“
Opal scowled. Humans never got anything the first time.
‘Yes,“ she said, barely concealing her impatience. ”I help you. I work beside you.“
The woman’s eyes cleared suddenly. “Belinda. What are you doing standing there? Get a shovel and clean up this mess. When you finish here you must prepare dinner.“
Opal’s heart skipped a beat. Manual labor? Not likely. Other people did that sort of thing.
‘On second thought,“ she said, pushing the mesmer as hard as she could, ”I am your pampered daughter Belinda. You never allow me to do any work in case it roughens my hands. You’re saving me for a rich husband.“ That should take care of it. She would hide out with this woman for a few hours, and then escape to the city.
But a surprise was coming Opal’s way. “That’s my Belinda,” said the woman. “Always dreaming. Now take this shovel, girl, or you’ll go to bed hungry.”
Opal’s cheeks flushed red. “Didn’t you hear me, crone? I do not do physical work. You will serve me. That is your purpose in life.“Decorative wire mesh
The Italian lady advanced on her tiny daughter. “Now, listen here, Belinda. I’m trying not to hear these poisonous words coming out of your mouth, but it is difficult. We both work the vines; that is the way it has always been. Now, take the shovel, or I will lock you in your room with a hundred potatoes to peel and none to eat.”
Opal was dumbstruck. She could not understand what was happening. Even strong-minded humans were putty before the mesmer.
What was happening here?
The simple truth was that Opal had been too clever for her own good. By placing a human pituitary gland in her own skull, she had effectively humanized herself. Gradually the human growth hormone was overpowering the magic in her system. It was Opal’s bad fortune that she had used her last drop of magic to convince this woman that she was her daughter. Now she was without magic, and a virtual prisoner in the Italian lady’s vineyard. And what’s more, she was being forced to work, and that was even worse than being in a coma.
‘Hurry!“ shouted the woman. ”There is rain in the forecast, and we have a lot to do.“
Opal took the shovel, resting the blade on the dry earth. It was taller than she was, and its handle was pitted and worn.
‘What should I do with this shovel?“
‘Crack the earth with the blade, then dig an irrigation trench between these two frames. And after dinner, I need you to hand wash some of the laundry that I have taken in this week. It’s Carmine’s, and you know what his washing is like.“ The lady grimaced, leaving Opal in no doubt as to the state of this person Carmine’s clothing.
The Italian lady picked up a second shovel and began to dig beside Opal.
‘Don’t frown so, Belinda. Work is good for the character. After a few more years, you will see that.“
Opal swung the shovel, dealing the earth a pathetic blow that barely raised a sliver of clay.
Already her hands were sore from holding the tool. In an hour she would be a mass of aches and blisters.
Maybe the LEP would come and take her away.
Her wish was to be granted, but not until a week later, by which time her nails were cracked and brown, and her skin was rough with welts. She had peeled countless potatoes and waited on her new mother, hand and foot. Opal was also horrified to discover that her adopted parent kept pigs, and that cleaning out the sty was another one of her seemingly endless duties. By the time the LEP Retrieval team came for her, she was almost happy to see them.

E7, Haven City
Julius Root’s recycling ceremony was held the day after Artemis and Holly arrived in Haven City. All the brass turned up to the commitment ceremony. All the brass, but not Captain Holly Short. Commander Sool refused to allow her to attend the commitment, even under armed guard. The Tribunal investigating the case had not made its decision yet, and until it did, Holly was a suspect in a murder investigation.
So Holly sat in the executive lounge watching the commitment ceremony on the big screen. Of all the things Sool had done to her, this was the worst. Julius Root had been her closest friend, and here she was watching his recycling on a screen while all the higher-ups attended, looking sad for the cameras.
She covered her face with her hands when they lowered an empty casket into the ornate decomposition vat. After six months, his bone and tissue would have been completely broken down and his remains would be used to nourish the earth.
Tears leaked out between Holly’s fingers, flowing over her hands.
Artemis sat beside her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Julius would have been proud of you. Haven is here today because of what you did.“
Holly sniffed. “Maybe. Maybe if I had been a little smarter, Julius would be here today, too.”
‘Maybe, but I don’t think so. I have been thinking about it and there was no way out of that chute. Not without prior knowledge.“
Holly lowered her hands. “Thanks, Artemis. That’s a nice thing to say. You’re not going soft, are you?“
Artemis was genuinely puzzled. “I honestly don’t know. Half of me wants to be a criminal, and the other half wants to be a normal teenager. I feel like I have two conflicting personalities and a head full of memories that aren’t really mine yet. It’s a strange feeling, not to know who you are exactly.”
‘Don’t worry, Mud Boy,“ said Holly.
‘I’ll keep a close eye on you to make sure you stay on the straight and narrow.“
‘I have two parents and a bodyguard already trying to do that.“
‘Well then, maybe it’s time to let them.“
The lounge’s doors slid open, and Foaly clopped in excitedly, followed by Commander Sool and a couple of flunkies. Sool was obviously not as thrilled to be in the room as the centaur, and had brought the extra officers along just in case Butler got agitated.
Foaly grabbed Holly by the shoulders. “You’re clear.” He beamed. “The Tribunal voted seven to one in your favor.”Decorative wire mesh
Holly scowled at Sool. “Let me guess who was the ”one.“”
Sool bristled. “I am still your superior officer, Short. I want to see that reflected in your attitude. You may have escaped this charge, but I will be watching you like a hawk from now on.”
Mulch clicked his fingers in front of Foaly’s face. “Hey, ponyboy. Over here. What about me? Am I a free dwarf?”
‘Well, the Tribunal decided to go after you for the grand theft auto.“
‘What?“ spluttered Mulch. ”After I saved the entire city!“
‘But,“ continued Foaly, ”considering the time already served for an illegal search, they’re prepared to call it even. No medal, I’m sorry to say.“
Mulch slapped the centaur’s haunch. “You couldn’t just say that, could you, you had to draw it out.”
Holly had not stopped scowling at Sool.
‘Let me tell you what Julius told me shortly before he died,“ she said.
‘Please do,“ said Sool, his words dripping with sarcasm. ”I find everything you say fascinating.“
‘Julius told me, more or less, that my job was to serve the People, and that I should do that any way I could.“
‘Smart fairy. I do hope you intend to honor those words.“
Holly ripped the LEP badge from her shoulder.
‘I do. With you looking over my shoulder on every shift, I won’t be able to help anyone, so I’ve decided to go it alone.“ She tossed the badge on the table. ”I quit.“
Sool chuckled. “If this is a bluff it won’t work. I’ll be glad to see the back of you.”
‘Holly, don’t do this,“ pleaded Foaly. ”The force needs you. I need you.“
Holly patted his flank. “They accused me of murdering Julius. How can I stay? Don’t worry, old friend. I won’t be far away.” She nodded at Mulch. “Are you coming?”
‘What, me?“
Holly grinned. “You’re a free dwarf now, and every private detective needs a partner. Someone with underworld connections.”
Mulch’s chest swelled. “Mulch Diggums, private detective. I like that. Hey, I’m not a sidekick, am I? Because the sidekick always gets it.”
‘No. You’re a full-fledged partner. Whatever we make, we split.“
Holly turned to Artemis next.
‘We did it again, Mud Boy. We saved the world, or at least stopped two worlds colliding.“
Artemis nodded. “It doesn’t get any easier. Maybe someone else should take a turn.”
Holly punched him playfully in the arm. “Who else has our style?” Then she leaned in and whispered, “I’ll be in touch. Maybe you might be interested in some consultancy work?”
Artemis cocked one brow and gave a slight nod. It was all the answer she needed.
Butler usually stood to say good-bye, but in this instance, he had to make do with kneeling.
Holly was barely visible inside his hug.
‘Until the next crisis,“ she said.
‘Or maybe you could just visit,“ he replied.
‘Getting a visa will be more difficult now that I’m a civilian.“
‘You’re sure about this?“
Holly frowned. “No. I’m torn.” She nodded at Artemis. “But who isn’t?”
Artemis treated Sool to his most scornful gaze. “Congratulations, Commander, you have managed to alienate the LEP’S finest officer.”
‘Listen here, human,“ began Sool, but Butler growled and the words withered in the commander’s throat. The gnome stepped quickly behind the larger of his officers. ”Send them Home. Now.“
The officers drew their sidearms, aimed, and fired. A tranquilizer pellet stuck to Artemis’s neck, dissolving instantly. The officers hit Butler with four, not taking any chances.
Artemis could hear Holly protesting as his vision blurred like an Impressionist painting. Like The Fairy Thief.
‘There’s no need for that, Sool,“ she said, catching Artemis’s elbow. ”They’ve seen the chute already. You could have returned them conscious.“
Sool’s voice sounded as though he were speaking from the bottom of a well. “I’m not taking any chances, Captain, I mean, Miss Short. Humans are violent creatures by nature, especially when they are being transported.”
Artemis felt Holly’s hand on his chest. Under his jacket, she slipped something into his pocket.
But he couldn’t ask what, because his tongue would not obey him. All he could do with his mouth was breathe.Decorative wire mesh
He heard a thump behind him.
Butler ‘s gone, he concluded. Just me left.
And then he was gone too.
Fowl Manor Artemis came to gradually. He felt well and rested, and all his memories were in place. Then again, maybe they weren’t. How would he know?
He opened his eyes and saw the fresco on the ceiling above. He was back in his own room.
Artemis did not move for several moments. It wasn’t that he couldn’t move, it was just that lying here like this seemed utterly luxurious. There were no pixies after him, or trolls homing in on his scent, or fairy tribunals judging him. He could lie here and simply think. His favorite occupation.
Artemis Fowl had a big decision to make: which way would his life go from here? The decision was his.
He could not blame circumstances or peer pressure. He was his own person, and intelligent enough to realize it.
The solitary life of crime no longer appealed to him as completely as it had. He had no desire to create victims. Yet there was still something about the thrill of executing a brilliant plan that attracted him. Maybe there was a way to combine his criminal genius with his newfound morals.
Some people deserved to be stolen from. He could be like a modern-day Robin Hood: steal from the rich and give to the poor. Well, maybe just steal from the rich. One step at a time.
Something vibrated in his jacket pocket.
Artemis reached in and pulled out a fairy communicator. One of the pair they had planted in Opal Koboi’s shuttle. Artemis had a vague memory of Holly sliding something into his pocket just before he passed out. She obviously wanted to stay in touch.
Artemis stood, opening the device, and Holly’s smiling face appeared on the screen.
‘You got Home safely, then. Sorry about the sedatives. Sool is a pig.“
‘Forget about it. No harm done.“
‘You have changed. Once upon a time, Artemis Fowl would have vowed revenge.“
‘Once upon a time.“
Holly glanced around her. “Listen, I can’t stay on long. I had to bolt on a pirate booster to this thing just to get a signal. This call is costing me a fortune. I need a favor.”
Artemis groaned. “No one ever calls me just to say hello.”
‘Next time. I promise.“
‘I’ll hold you to it. What’s the favor?“
‘Mulch and I have our first client. He’s an art dealer who’s had a picture stolen. Frankly, I’m flummoxed, so I thought I’d ask an expert.“
Artemis smiled. “I suppose I do have some expertise in the area of stolen art. Tell me what happened.”
‘The thing is, there’s no way in or out of this exhibit without detection. The painting is just gone. Not even warlocks have that kind of magic.“
Artemis heard footsteps on the stairs.
‘Hang on a second, Holly. Someone’s coming.“
Butler burst in the door, pistol drawn. “I just woke up,” he said. “Are you all right?”
‘Fine,“ said Artemis. ”You can put that away.“
‘I was half hoping Sool was still here so I could scare him a little.“ Butler crossed to the window and pulled aside the net curtains. ”There’s a car coming up the avenue. It’s your parents back from the spa in Westmeath. We’d better get our stories straight. Why did we come Home from Germany ?“
Artemis thought quickly. “Let’s just say I felt Homesick. I missed being my parents’ son. That’s true enough.”
Butler smiled. “I like that excuse. I hope you won’t need to use it again.”
‘I don’t intend to.“
Butler held out a rolled-up canvas. “And what about this? Have you decided what you should do with it?”Decorative wire mesh
Artemis took The Fairy Thief and spread it on the bed before him. It really was beautiful. “Yes, old friend. I have decided to do what I should do. Now, can you stall my parents at the door; I need to take this call.”
Butler nodded, running down the stairs three at a time.
Artemis returned to the communicator. “Now, Holly, about your little problem. Have you considered the fact that the picture you seek may still be in the room, and our thief may have simply moved it?”
‘That’s the first thing I thought of. Come on, Artemis, you’re supposed to be a genius. Use your brain.“
Artemis scratched his chin. He was finding it difficult to concentrate. He heard tires crunching on the drive, and then his mother’s voice laughing as she climbed from the, car.
‘Arty?“ she called. ”Come down. We need to see you.“
‘Come down, Arty boy,“ shouted his father. ‘Welcome us Home.“
Artemis found that he was smiling. “Holly, can you call me back later? I’m busy right now.”
Holly tried to scowl. “Okay. Five hours, and you’d better have some suggestions for me too ”
‘Don’t worry, I will. And also my consultant’s bill.“
‘Some things never change,“ said Holly, and closed the link.Decorative wire mesh
Artemis quickly locked the communicator in his room safe, then ran to the stairs.
His mother was at the bottom of the steps, and her arms were open wide.